0 - Sarah's Diary:
by DTA2013
Summary: This is set long before Manipulation... In 1998 the year everything changed for Sarah, This is her diary and will also be updated through out the other stories I am writing so it will be her POV...reference to abuse...Part of the Manipulation: Series
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**As ever I do not own Criminal Minds just the OOC and the story ideas**

**This is set long before Manipulation and will be a lot darker than anything I normally write there will be reference to abuse so if you don't want to read it please don't… it will give you a greater understanding of why Sarah is like she is though…**

**In 1998 the year everything changed for Sarah, This is her dairy! **

It was a normal day I guess mom was away at work for the week and I was staying with my uncle. He sometimes gave me the creeps but I put it down to him being old and smoking cigars, which really stink. The smell hangs to your clothes and no matter home many times I have had them cleaned I can still smell it. I turn eight next weekend and I cannot wait mom has booked the week off work and we are going camping. Well my mom's style of camping.

In saying this, I do like spending time with him, he takes me to the park, and zoo and he even took me to SeaWorld, which blew me away. I love animals mom says when I get older I can have a pet of my own. However, I know I will not be allowed the one I want. Mom says I am not allowed to keep a tiger but they look so pretty when I saw them in the zoo.

I go to a nice private school, and I am luck because I have been blessed with my mother's brains, which is not always a good thing. My mother is a nerd which if I was not her daughter I might find sweet. I do love it when my Grandmother comes home I miss her and I know mom does as well. My uncle tells me they never use to get along, which I find very hard to believe, but I would never ask either of them because it is not proper.

If I need to know something, my mother or Grandmother would tell me. I know my mom is not like other mom's and that is okay with me because she loves me. My mom tells me that I am lucky because we have the means to live like we do but she also tells me nothing is for free and I have to work hard in everything to achieve things in my life.

In addition, that conversation only came about because someone called me a snob when we were visiting England. I never knew my dad but my mom told me about him but I will not let anyone know about that. My mom refuses to hide anything from me she will tell me the truth only because mom says there is no point in lying because you will always be found out.

I think she said what starts out as one-lie leads to another until you forget what it was you were lying about in the first place. I often wonder if being truthful is always a good thing because if you tell the truth it can hurt people. Though mom said the truth can hurt but a lie can destroy your soul and make people not trust you.

The only thing my mom refuses to talk about is her work she says the job she does is not for my ears and I trust her as long as she doesn't go for too long, she was a mess after the last trip she had been on for work.

I miss Europe, I guess when you spent most your life living in one country the change is different. I am very lucky though my mother has taught me to speak a few, I am eight years old and I can already speak Spanish, French, German, English and a few words in Latin. Mom only taught me these because I moved around a lot when I was younger like she did. Due to her work, I normally stayed with Grandmother so where she went I also went until last year when we finally moved back to America.

It is so different here and it took me awhile to settle in, I love my school but because I grew up in Europe, I am a head of the children my own age. I find the school system strange here in England it was easy. You started in reception class then moved up to year 2 when you reached five so that means I am two years ahead of the school I am at now.

I should be in what they call second grade because children here do not start school until they are six and they call it elementary school. Whereas in England it was called, primary and you start when you are four. Mom found me a nice boarding school which I was held back a year because they wanted to see how well my read and writing was and my spelling.

I have learnt the English and American spelling is different and it took me a while to get used to it but I find I am getting there now, and I am losing my English accent slightly. When I moved here, I would tell mom they spoke funny but because mom and Grandmother are American, I am use to it. I miss my friends though. Ally was my best friend at school and we still keep in touch with letters which mom will post for me when she comes home.

I will say this though the weather here is better, England can get so cold in the winter but it is warmer in the summer but not much I find the heat here sometimes is a little too warm for me but I am getting used to it now. I miss the seasons there the trees turning amber in autumn but they do here as well but this is my new home now but I still get home sick and will often tell Ally how much I miss it there.

I guess in time I will get used to it and it will become my home but right now, it is not. I am spending the weekend at a so-called retreat, which I have no clue what it means, but I guess I will find out. I have made one friend who I am close to she remind me of Ally which is nice and different her name is Jessica and we are going with her parents. I was told we would be staying in a log cabin. I am not fully sure what one is but I am guessing it will be made out of wood. Does that mean it will be cold? I cannot see wood keeping you very warm though.

This weekend would change my life only I did not know it at the time. This was where I would learn the true meaning of fear and not just the fear you have as a child when you think there are monsters in your closet or under your bed. This is where it started and I lost everything I had known.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Crazy Heart I will say I think I agree with you…Sorry!**

It was late May my mom would be back the following weekend her fight was due to arrive the first of June which was the day before my birthday, I guess that trip got cut short but I will never know and I rather I didn't know because that would add to my guilt. When something bad happens, it is natural to blame yourself because you feel you should have changed the outcome or stopped it somehow.

Then I wonder how I could have stopped it how could I have changed it, I was not a match for them really I was scared. The drive to the log cabin seemed to take forever and Jessica and me were getting board, it really took the fun out of spotting the same makes of cars. I will say this when we first set off I felt we were on the wrong side of the road and the cars were going to hit us head on. How silly is that different countries drive on different sides of the roads. However, that still had not eased my mind.

Jessica and me made up some silly games but who would be stuck in a car for six long hours with breaks either for the toilet, gas station or to get food. I was different back then I did not fear anything, I did not have to worry because if I was scared or worried about something I knew I could ask mom and she would explain it to me no matter how silly it might have sounded.

My mommy or Mater as I sometimes called her. That always brings me comfort and when she calls me era me heartbeat will be less rapid. The names mean a few things and I guess I should explain though I not sure why I need to but it is important for anyone to understand since mom will want to see this at some point in my life. My writing is one thing I have one thing I control now.

Because I have no control over anything else and people may find that strange, how can a child have no control? Well that I can explain but I need to get this out I need to put words to it and it may not make sense but it does to me. I have so many feeling swirling inside my mind and me needs to correct it's self somehow I guess.

Mater is the Latin word for mummy, yes I now call her mom or mommy when I am scared but when you grow up in a country that uses the term mum or mummy it can be hard to break or easy to slip back into. It is a comfort term now though.

My mom calls me Era that also brings me comfort now in Latin that word means a few different things. Now Era is a noun and it means mistress of a house, mistress of a family, lady, madam, sweetheart, goddess though there is also many different ways to spell it but they may confuse people. My mom calls it me because I am her sweetheart. I guess it is a pet name but it is also my biggest comfort when things become too much for me or I am locked in my thoughts.

I do know the word Era means different things in English but not to me well if other people say it that is very different but when Mom says it. It is comfort and I am safe. As I said, I know a few words in Latin and those are the few words. The other are complicated what makes me laugh is in England they still use Latin terminology, or as they sometimes refer to it as old English. Nice to know people still keep to their roots.

Gosh I sound like I am giving a history lesson right now, I guess I am not fully ready for this or maybe I am but writing it down is hard. It brings back the memories, which I must point out, are still as fresh as though it all happened yesterday.

However, that also is a lie I guess because if it happened yesterday it would also mean I had been gone from my safety for over I year and 9 months instead of just the 8 months I was gone. Does that even make sense? I will say my birthday is no longer a happy time and nor is Christmas. They bring back memories and I am starting to wonder if they really do fade in time? I guess I will not know until I am older.

However, that also means I have not spoken to anyone aside from when I call for my mom in the middle of the night or during the day or in fact anytime I become scared. I cannot even talk to the therapist that I see once a week mom does not come with me but that was my choice. I do not need her to know though I am sure she knows everything.

Mom now stays at home I still attend school but mom normally has to collect me because I will panic I am grateful that the teachers understand and they let my mom deal with me she keeps me calm.

Therefore, what was I saying before I got side tracked with rambling about silly words and sayings oh year the car ride to the log cabin. I am not sure I can do this.

The first night was okay we sat by the firs which I must admit I loved it was a log fire I did worry that the fact we had an open fire in a log cabin that the cabin would set alight is that a rational thought? Jessica's parents did not think so. However, fire and wood do not mix, or have I been taught wrong all these years?

That also was the last time I saw them. Well I guess I should say the last time I Jessica alive and now you might understand why I am finding writing this hard. I wish we never went I wish I had stayed with my uncle. I wish that I had hidden more. I do not believe in god anymore and I understand why my mom stopped believing so many years ago though I think that had something to do with the church turning their back on her when she needed them the most.

Cast not the first stone unless you are free of sin. Which no one is fully free of sin and no one can tell me they are. Anyway, I am getting side tracked again. Maybe today is not the day to write this.

On the other hand, is it I am not ready in myself. Mom keeps saying things take time and I will heal though I may not fully heal. I know she is worried but I just cannot seem to find the words I need to say or explain why. Moreover, if anyone is keeping up with this you can count yourself lucky maybe tomorrow I will make more sense. Please understand I cannot deal with this yet so I will write what is in my head and it may appear in stages or dribs and drabs. Nevertheless, I need my mom to understand I need her to see why and understand why her little girl is no more. I am a shell a vacant part of my soul, which is disappearing. Please tell me that feeling goes away?

But I know it might not I hear the term shell shock a lot I want to scream I have been in no god damn war I hadn't been shot at but maybe a bullet hitting me or going near me would be better than what I see and hear in my mind. God do they ever stop will they ever let me rest.

Mom blames herself I blame myself and grandmother blames everyone who ever came near me. This in a way I find amusing because the people I always had contact with was her staff. However, I guess that is a seldom thought now.

Her staff, her god damned fucking staff. Which part of do not go near me do they not understand. I know they want to help but they scare me I fear my own shadow so what makes them think I want them close to me?

Well maybe being strapped down on a bed did not help. Ugh that makes me want to be sick just even thinking of that bed. I now sleep in my mom's arms as though I am a baby. I know people mean well, I really do, but when trust and reason have been destroyed, it is hard.

They came into the cabin, they took us. They split us up I was alone and scared, they would come into the room and sit with me the first few days I lost count of the different faces I saw. I heard my mom say something about 20 but I swear it was more like 100 is that possible? However, there again a lot can happen in 8 months.

What my mom must have gone through does not even bare thinking about. You may think I am strange thinking of my mother's fear and worries but I cannot help it because as long as I think about her I do not think of myself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Please note any typos in the story are deliberate well not all of them just some of them since they are words of a 10yr old ;o)**

Can you believe it has been a full week that I have not written to you? You have now become my friend my confidant the one thing I can confide all my worries and my thoughts. My self-doubts and fears.

I fear men just as much as I fear women how strange is that. A woman is supposed to nurture you and protect you not harm you I wonder if they had children of their own. God I cannot even think of that makes me want to cry. My mom was crying last night I could hear her downstairs I wish I could reach out to her but still words fail me. Am I a disappointment to her?

Does she hate me? Because she has lost me. Would it have been easier if I had died as Jessica did? I guess she is out of turmoil now and does not feel the pain or the shame. They said at school today they were going to have to keep me back a year because my progress is now receded. I wonder if there progress would have been, if they had been through what I had been through.

My life makes no sense anymore. I am ten nearly eleven but I feel like a scared four year old so maybe they are correct in what they are saying? On the other hand, am I ten? The days are so mixed up now and I cannot remember things as well as I should but they say brain injuries do that but yet my mind is awash with so many things that I have learnt over the years.

I now want to go back to England more than ever it is not safe here. Mom now cannot leave for that long before the panic sets in and I had been doing so well. Well that was until a new member of staff grabbed my arm. However, they did not grab it hard and not to hurt me, and it took mom 3 hours to calm me down and get me to come out of the closet.

You may wonder why the closet. Well you think about it the way I do closet is small people cannot fit in there with you. Now a bedroom or open space they can come at you from all directions. Now, that is a fear that is now embedded in me. I know mom wants to go back to work and she has found someone who seems nice to stay with me. Nevertheless, she will not leave me until I am comfortable with her.

I heard mom say she is not sure how long it will take me to be comfortable with her but to just give me time. Her name is Karen she seems nice but my perception of people has changed. I use to trust them but now I trust only two my mom and my grandmother. I allow them to hold me because I need them and they make me feel safe.

Mom makes me laugh now but that is because if someone new comes along she will not talk about me she says it is my story and not hers. I guess when you work for the CIA you understand that a person's story is just that and no one should be able to say it for you because it takes your voice away and takes yourself worth away. However, I do not have much of that right now. I hate myself I hate my skin it even crawls now. It is as though they are still on me and inside me. Sometimes I eat and I bring it back up. Other days I cannot bring myself to eat but mom says as long as I eat something or snack on things then she will not worry.

However, inside I know she does, her eyes sparkle less these days and I am the cause of that. I am the cause of her pain. Moreover, I wonder if her pain would be less if I was dead because if I were dead she would be able to move forward and have a life. She lost Lisa because of me, I heard the words broken and damaged I was and still am sure she is referring to me. Nevertheless, she is right I am damaged goods and broken. Mom says my spirit is not broken. However, I am slightly unsure what she means by it. I wonder if it my spirit and want to live that has not gone fully.

This maybe the last time I write to you because I can't do this anymore I cannot be the cause of my mom's pain, I cannot watch her fade, I have already faded stories of knights and love are lost on me. I guess you think a child at my age should not think as I am. Nevertheless, if you knew, if you saw I am dirty I am broken I am filth that enters the instep of your shoe because someone did not clean up after their animal.

I take so many showers in a day I am surprised my skin has not washed away. I lay in that bedroom in my filth they would clean me when someone was paying a visit they called it sometimes it was just one other times it was two. I remember the day three of them came in to the room. There was a woman with them I thought she was going to save me from the hell I had gone through. However, she did not she joined in.

I was their toy, their plaything. Do people really enjoy that? Was I a pawn? Does it happen to other children? I guess it must but I cannot understand it and I am not sure I want to. I knew about sex mom told me about it when I was young. Only because I walked in her bedroom and she was in a very strange position with Lisa I never did that again. Lisa hid away from me that whole week.

In addition, mom thought it would be best to have a talk. What seven-year-old wants to know what sex is and what a man and woman. Ugh, man and woman I think that phase should be changed to man and whatever they want because I am no woman I am a child I am nearly a teenager but inside I am not. Will it pass?

My mom like woman but I hope she does not find someone not because I do not want her to be happy because I do I want my mom to be happy again and she is not. I am drowning inside I had something ripped from me. I guess 8 months of being in one room and only being allowed to move when people wanted to try different styles and when they changed and cleaned me would make anyone want to drown.

I do not know how mom can stand to be around me. I make her sad. Not anyone else just me. At least if I die she can lay me to rest and we will both be out of pain out of the heartache, which I live in.

So what if I lack sense to anyone. How would you deal with having so many people use your body and if I made a sound of any kind I would be burnt I would be. I do not even know if I can find the words for it. I now understand the term a red-hot poker though no pleasant I assure you.

Will this break mom's heart? I do not want to hurt her but I also do not want to hide from her I feel I am lying to her and lies are bad. Would it be better if she knew or would she think I was dirty? Would she see me as nothing just filth as nothing would she still hold me when I scream. Would she still love me if she knew how many people hurt me? On the other hand, does she already know?

I do not blame my mom for what happened it was out of her control. She did not ask them to take me she did not ask them to have sex with me and now she tries to protect me from the world. On the other hand, is she protecting herself at the same time, nothing where I am and that I am okay? I want to go back to school I miss it the doctor as I call her says routine is good and normalcy is a good thing for me to have.

Mom says she will speak to the school and see if they can accommodate me because I am now damaged. My mother would never class me as damaged but I class myself as damaged with maybe isn't healthy I have all this guilt inside me, I blame myself because Jessica died she wouldn't play along she screamed she cried. I guess I was frozen in fear; she was alive for I think two weeks. They told me she was going home they told me I could see her before they took her to her mom and dad and I believed them.

However, she was found on a layby. I wonder if the man who found her ever got over it I know what state my body was in and I know what state Jessica was in when I said goodbye I guess I can take comfort in that I got to say goodbye.

The nightmares come and go and mom gave me a lock for my door which only she has a key for it makes me feel safe. I guess that something else I have control over. Do I let mommy read this now? On the other hand, do I wait I need her to understand me I need her to see what my voice cannot form yet I have been silent for too long now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Well I guess that could have gone worse. I have not been able to write in you for a while. It has been a whole month since I have been able to Mater read what I wrote and I think I should not have told her but she said she was proud of me and I am still her precious Era and nothing would change that.

She also told me she has not lost me because I stand in front of her and she can still hold me and she, does not see me as dirty or as filth. I guess hearing her say that settle a lot inside me. Nevertheless, the nightmares still come. I use to hate that my mom profiled people for her job but now I am glad.

She always knows what I need and how I need her to be with me without any words being spoken. Mom told me if my thoughts got too dark to find somewhere I feel safe and wait for her because she will always find me. And that is true she did find me. She found me before I lost my mommy for good.

She tells me 8 months can be a lifetime and in that lifetime, everything stops. The world stops for you it no longer spins it can be empty. My mommy was the first person I saw when the people stormed the building, they were from the FBI but mommy was with them that was also the first time I saw, well heard my mother's temper and anger. I guess she really is dangerous she told me it took them six hours to get me out of that room.

Six hours because even my mommy scared me I did not recognise her I think that really hurt her. However, she says that, it okay now because I allowed her close to me in time. I had to stay in hospital for a few months because of all the injuries I had and Mater refused to leave my side.

I have spent the last month with mom and Karen, she doesn't come near me and stays a good distance away from me which I like, I felt embarrassed when I had a panic attack but mom gripped my arm when she saw it happening and I remember calming down in a smaller room with just my mom if I panic mom will find the smallest room for me to go into so I feel safe.

She is my protector now her gun near comes off her belt and it now lives at the side of the bed and not in the safe. It is a good job I know all about guns mom taught me from a young age because they were in the house and I was not to play with them even if I thought they were a toy gun.

Mom made me laugh the other day it was nice to smile again she put a lock on you because she says it is private and no one should be able to read it unless I allow it because you are my voice. And you are the one thing I can turn to. I heard mom say it is my solace, which means to give comfort in grief, and what I am having is grief but she also said I am her solace and I have been from the day I was born which makes me proud because she says that has never changed.

I asked mom about school again they have said I can go back in the new term but I would be held back not because am dumb but because I missed a lot of work and I would need time to adjust. They said I am welcome to board again when I feel ready and I have a special room there away from the others that will stay there for me. They showed it to me today, it has a lock on the inside and my teacher who I always have been close to because of my love of history is the only person who will have a key. It was a lot smaller than the other rooms but it made me feel safe and less scared so I will now have to see how it goes. Mom says there is no rush but I miss school.

Mom told me she is going to apply to the FBI because she wants a desk job for a while until I am fully settled now that is funny my mom can never stay still for long she has always liked to be in the thick of it to help people.

Therefore, I will explain what my mom does because it is important that you know and it is important that whomever I allow to read this knows because mom says this is my story and my voice. Mom specialises in linguistics which isn't weird because of her vast knowledge of language's and countries so she understands people better and understands they I think she said culture.

She also is a child advocacy which makes a lot of sense to me she gives children a voice and a way of feeling safe by giving them rights to be themselves. That is my take on it though it means a lot more but I do not want to talk about it. And the last one is she is a profiler and has been doing it as long as I can remember that is something that fascinates me the art of reading a person by their actions, which makes sense with how she knows to deal with me now and how she can understand me when I don't speak.

Words can be hard to say when you do not fully know how you feel and I feel lucky because she fully understands me. I heard mommy talking the other day and I put it together that what happened to me is on film because I heard Martin say the other day. I always liked him but he understands I cannot be near him or in the same room as him. However, I guess it also hurts him because I miss playing with him.

We would build tree houses much to my mom's protests and play fight my mom would also say he had to be gentle because I am a girl not a boy so we were not to roughhouse too much. He is younger than my mom is by a good few years but I will not ask his age since its rude, which I learnt when I asked grandmother.

Anyway I just thought I would come and tell you how things have been for me lately but I am starting to feel a lot better and I like DC, I haven't spoke to Ally since that day mommy said she wrote her a letter explaining why not sure what she said but knowing mom she will have put it in words to make her feel comforted though my loss of writing I think she may have written it to her parents and not Ally though.

I was born 2 June 1990 but we now have my birthday on the first because the second is too much for me mom says that may ease with time. We do not do anything at Christmas either we wait until January the month she found me and the date she found me. 20 January 1999. I went missing late May, which means if I would have been found on the 27 it would have been exactly on the date I went away. So it was not a full 8 months but it was also a lifetime.

We are now in 2001 so that also explains how long it has taken me to find some sort of voice for myself, mom promised me it would come in time and it has. I know I am safe Karen if ex-army and mom says that she is allowed to bring and carry her gun around me.

She is a year older than mom and she seems to understand me, I guess the army see a lot of things and I hope they aren't worse than what my mommy saw happen to me, I guess that is where the compartments come in. it is also a trick the CIA use but mom learnt years before, when she was growing up she was guarded and I am guessing for a good reason. Maybe she was hurt but she promises me she was never hurt only when she was 15. Moreover, that's mom's story to tell so I cannot write about that. However, I have to go now since mom taking me out for dinner with grandmother.

* * *

**2003**

Wow! I have not felt the need to write for a long time I have been very busy with my studies and winding my mother up which she will shout but she also does not mind because I am becoming myself around her again. I still have nightmares but they have become less. I still find it hard to be around people and I still panic if someone other than mom, grandmother and Karen touch me. Karen only is around now when I break from school but I miss her.

I board full time now and I love my room there because I am safe I can lock the door in my room the children all understand not to touch me and my teacher can calm me down if I panic though she can't always get near me. That when mom is called in or Karen.

She got transferred this month and is now joining a team called the Behavioral Analysis Unit or BAU for short it makes me happy because she has always wanted to work there since she left the CIA back in 1998 well she took leave then fully left in 1999 because I couldn't cope.

The only thing I do not like is she goes away now but I am getting used to it. I have met some of her team but I think she has warned them not to come near me because I went to visit a month after she started so I knew where to go if I needed her and also so, the man at the front desk knew who I was.

I have yet to get to know them though but I do not mind that as long as they look after my mom and keep her safe and stay away from me, I am fine with it. I will tell you about them later because right now I am in the middle of setting my mom up on a few online dating sites. I hope she will not be too mad but she needs someone to make her happy I know I do but it is not the same.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

So last time I wrote I told you about mom's new job well I have now met the whole team I am not sure about Gideon I seem to know his face so that makes me very scared of him. I don't think mom liked him all that much either though she has told me her is very nice and he won't hurt me, but the thing is I don't believe her, his eyes seem as though they are haunted by ghosts as though something took away the light. Mom told me the some agents died under his command, which does not reassure me when she goes away with them.

Hotch his name is funny; he is her boss his eyes are like hawks. As though he can see your very thoughts when he looks at you. I tend to hid away from him, but mom says he is very soft and caring but I cannot see it. I guess his face reminds me of stone; expressionless, though I can see something in his eyes. It the same look my mom has sometimes though it does not make me trust him all that much.

Then there is Doctor Reid mom finds it slightly amusing that I am scared of him since she said he is harmless as a kitten but kittens have claws and they can become nasty. So does that mean he could become nasty? He seems very young to be a doctor but mom explained that he is intelligent and knows more about things than he probably should do, he does remind me of a child with how he acts at times though.

Then there is Morgan when I saw him he reminded me of a bear and even mom could tell how scared I was because she moved me behind her so I was safe away from him, his eyes though are very soft. Nevertheless, the seer demeanour of him set me into a panic, which landed me in a small office that had a couch in so I was able to curl up on her lap as she whispered comfort into my ear.

And that is when I met JJ she is the Communications Director or as she said Media/Police liaison. Therefore, she is not a profiler mom seemed relaxed around her. I guess she wondered what a small child was doing curled up on mom. However, she did not ask she smiled at us both closing the door and sitting behind her desk. It does surprise me that she can find anything because it is overrun with files. I could tell mom did not feel a need to protect me around her but that still did not fully reassure the terror I felt but mom said it was the smallest room in the bullpen and that I was safe.

But safe was not a word I would have used when a high pitched squeal came bursting through the doors sending me into a slight panic which had mom standing in front of me very quickly asking her to keep away from me. I saw the hurt in her eyes as they landed on me and part of me wanted to, just hug her because she seemed broken at the thought of me being scared. I later learnt she is called Garcia and is a Technical Analyst and mom and her team work closely together with each other.

Though two weeks later I was not my mom's most favourite person in the world and I got frogged marched out of the bullpen as we waited for Karen to come and get me I guess screaming and shouting at her for standing someone up wasn't the best plan I had but my mom needs a life that doesn't revolve around me. How was I to know that they did not know she is gay I mean I thought everyone knew! I guess but ousted by your 13yr old daughter is not, the best thing in the world.

Mom also banned my use of the laptop and computer after that, changed her number, and refused to give it to me. Which in my defence I need my mom's cell number what if I needed her? However, she told me I had her works cell number and I was allowed to ring her on it. I started getting in trouble at school lately but they don't understand everything has changed mom is now going away and I stay with Karen but mom is my safety blanket when I am not in school though she normally returns on a Friday but when she doesn't the nightmares start and the terror begins.

Mom says I may never be able to overcome what happened to me but she says it is okay because I am still me and I will always be her Era.

**2004 **

Well Gideon left the BAU and has been replaced by no other than David Rossi I know he is a kind man and I know he won't hurt me but he isn't Gideon he isn't the team that I know and he doesn't understand why sometimes I will go and hide in JJ's office and she will just go and work at moms desk while I settle myself down. However, I can tell he knows something happened to me and it seems to hurt him. He has compassion in his eyes, and it is a compassion I have not seen in a long time. I saw in a few times in my mom when she first found me and when I tried to kill myself and mom tried it as well I guess the term we were suffocation each other wasn't used enough but how do you get a scared child away from the only thing that make me feel safe.

I still find it funny now that people think my mom and grandmother does not get along, you see when they are at work and not within the privacy of the walls of home, they are distant from each other.

I do not deal with change to well so when my history teacher had to leave because of ill health I lost another person that was my safety and she was replaced by a man and he unsettled me. I know all the men who hurt me have been found and have all been locked away but he reminds me of one of them.

In addition, this is when I started to act out I guess, first I put a drawing pin on his seat and he screamed shouting at us all. Then he sent me into a deep panic he walked past our desk and I would have been fine, if he had not of stood behind me placing his hands on my shoulders. I guess I was lucky that some friends knew how to deal with me or at least get hold of Karen and my mom and they were both there I was frozen and scared he shouted at me and told me I was being silly because I was huddled in a corner I just wanted him away from me.

My friends nearly got in trouble as they stood around me to keep him away from me did not know one tell him not to touch me not to come near me. On the other hand, did they and he just think I was a silly teenager? Though when my mom's angry voice broke into the room, he learnt. My mom's temper is not the best and when it comes out it can scare anyone but her warning was to him not my friends not the people who were stood in front of me protecting me.

I heard my friend whispered that mom had her gun and they thought she might kill him. They all know my mom and they all know she is soft with children and will not harm them but they do know put her in front of someone who has harmed a child or scared a child and she is dangerous like a wild beast. Moreover, my friends would not move until he had left the room and my mom's face had calmed somewhat. They knew what mom said to me, not the first time they have seen me in a panic.

In addition, that was four weeks ago now. Mom brought me home and asked Karen to stay with me, it was late but Karen had something's to do and she couldn't get out of it so she dropped me at moms work because their flight was landing soon and they had to write there reports before they could go home.

So I sat at her desk it was quite and no one was really around, I heard the ding of the elevator I saw Garcia sat in the kitchen watching me she must have seen me on the camera and that unsettles me but I am safe here well until Morgan put his hand on my shoulder. It was not his fault he was tired they all were but it did not stop the panic and terror that started inside, mom gripped me before I could spiral and again I ended up in the safety of JJ's office.

JJ followed us in there my mom didn't ask her to leave and I was okay with that really JJ had spent a lot of time with me and mom and she still kept a safe distance away from me but she also settled me, which is strange because my mom is the only one who can really settle me but JJ has that effect on me as well. However, I am not sure if I can trust her enough not to hurt me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Karen is coming back today. I really have missed her, she has told me she is going to take me to a history fair, which I cannot wait. History is my favourite thing; it is always nice to learn about your past though maybe not about my own past. I feel safe with her.

Mom has known Karen since before I was born. They met in college and shared a dorm they were close. Karen got married though they never lost touch phone calls and letters I remember reading a few when she was away with the army and the different countries she has been in. but I had never met her I knew of her because mom trusts her more than she trusts anyone.

Karen's husband was killed by the RIRA; this is the organization that has also been responsible for a number of bombings in Northern Ireland and England with the goal of causing economic harm and/or disruption. The most notable of these was the 15 August 1998 Omaha bombing, which killed 29 people. In addition, Richard was one of those people killed.

A lot of bad things happened in 1998 so we do not talk of that year anymore. Nevertheless, Karen still wrote to mom and when she left because of medical reasons in 2000 mom insisted she came to stay with her. Mom says if she had been blessed with a sister she hoped they would have been like Karen. Therefore, in my eyes well after six months of avoiding her and being scared of her I understood why mom says she is like a sister to her.

She became another protector another safety for me and she still is like mom, she can ease and calm me down though she does have a habit of testing my limits and putting me into places that could trigger a panic attack but she then will remind me that it is okay to fear something. Moreover, it is okay to be scared but it is also okay to never want to face it but sometimes life does not work out like that.

Karen saved my life. The nightmares wouldn't stop mom was back at work I was alone and scared I knew deep down Karen wouldn't hurt me but one silly mistake sent me over the edge of panic and terror to seer self-destruct and then she left me to calm down. Now when I say left me I was in the bathroom and she was singing to me through the door.

It had been a long day we had gone to places museums I love them so much history but it was crowded and I got scared and Karen brought me straight home, I was still frozen in fear when we got home, and she let me go to my bedroom. I was trapped in my mind, I was back on that bed I heard the bang and it was him, he had come back for me. And hence, I ended up in the bathroom with the only thing that well thinking about it. It was not much of a weapon but all I could hear was him all I could feel was him.

The voices stopped as soon as the knife left my skin and that was when I could hear Karen singing it was soothing but also I could see black spots in my eyes, which scared me again, and I screamed for my Mater. Karen must have knew something was seriously wrong because the only think I remember after that was her holding me and ringing for an ambulance.

When mom asked me, what happened I told her I wanted the pain to stop I wanted the voices to leave. I wanted to die because I am not worth anything, not to her, not to grandma, not to anyone. Mom had never seen me like that and I know it broke her heart but I could not help it. I was scared and hurting so bad and nothing helped, not back then anyway. In addition, that was the third time in my life I saw my mom cry and when I say saw I was in the room and she was crying and blaming herself again for things that happened to me.

I didn't know back then how much my mom blamed herself but I do now, I think her only child wanting to die pushed her too far because four months later she took some pills and Karen saved her as well I didn't know back then that mom had sat and watched the tapes of what happened. I did not know how much she was not holding it together. On the other hand, the fact she was just keeping a brave face for me, I guess like me back then she could not find a way to end the pain.

Karen kept us together and I will always be thankful for that she is like an auntie to me she may not be blood but I love her nearly as much as I love my mommy. But that is also, why people said we were suffocating each other. However, Karen said everyone has his or her breaking point and sometimes it takes us to really hit the bottom before we begin to mend.

I do not ever think I will be fixed though. Karen was there when mom was not and she was even there when mom was. Even when I finally settled in school, she was always a phone call away and she tells me I am like a daughter to her because she loves me and I guess she treats me as mom does as well.

Mom rented her an apartment not far from my school so I could always go there if I needed to I even have my own room there and so does mom. I know when people see us together they think mom and her are together because of how close we all are but she is family.

Karen taught me it was okay to love and that I am perfect how I am. You may think it should be my mom who did this and she did try but she is my mom and I am her daughter and to her I always will be perfect so it is nice to hear another person say it.

Karen had to go away for a while and that hurt a lot and she promised me she would be back and she did come back a few months later, and later that year in 2002 we all made a very special trip back to England. Some people may not understand why it was special but it was the first time Karen had been there since Richard was killed and we took a walk and laid a wreath where he died it was nice in a very sad way.

Karen got a job, which meant I had to board more at school, and I did not mind because I knew I could go to her apartment if I needed to at any point and someone had to make sure that the flowers and plants did not die. She was always back for the holidays though and she is a very big part of our lives.

I hear mom talking to her on the phone when she is away, sometimes both our thoughts get too much, I still find it hard to voice my thoughts and feelings but that is okay because they know I will talk in time and I will say if I need something. Grandma made a comment that children should be seen and not heard once and then added it would be nice to hear my voice shouting around the embassy again. Though that has never happened, she used to shout at me for that when I was younger.

Karen helped me plant a tree for Jessica later that year, so I have something to remember her by and somewhere I can go to talk to her if I need to, mom knows how much I miss her and they both know how much I blame myself because she died. However, I cannot control another person's actions.

Karen was so happy when mom was offered the transfer to the BAU I had my fears because of the fact mom would again be leaving me but Karen said she will always be here and mommy will always come home to me.

Karen also said it was and is okay not to trust the team my mom works with because they do not know me and I do not know them and also because mom will not tell them anything about me because it is not her place to. Mom and Karen want me to have control over that and I need control over that.

The CIA made sure my file could only be seen by the highest levels in any government department so I know they will never see. Helps having an uncle who is high up in the FBI and a grandmother who is an ambassador they pulled a lot of red tape but they said they couldn't make the file totally disappear and I am okay with that but I don't want these people knowing.

They might upset mom they might question me, the might. I really do not know what they might do but I am sure they would. I might be broken inside but mom and Karen treat me as though I am my age even though sometimes I can be seen as a small child.

I told Karen the other day that I feel safe and settled around JJ, she smiled and told me it was a good thing because I am learning that not all adults will hurt me. There is something about JJ and I have yet to place what it is. Karen told me to stop thinking about it or she was going to send my into a small padded room so I could bounce off the walls.

**2005**

Mom has been with the team 2 years now. Moreover, it is the end of January I still do not like my history teacher because he keeps trying to come close to me and tells me I am a baby.

I will admit I am childlike. I lost my childhood not all of it but half of it, maybe my fear will always be there but I also want to trust this JJ because I can see how mom looks at her she has the same look she had when she saw Lisa. Nevertheless, they both do not see it and if you watch them, it is cute but I am still scared she will hurt me


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It is now the end of February and the reason I am writing so much lately is because that god damn history teacher is a pain in the arse my friends stay close but he has resorted in a type of picking on me making me stand in front of everyone telling me I need to grow up. Yes, I am nearly 15 but in my mind, I am still scared and I started to fear him more, but my friend gave me an idea.

Not told me or showed me but it was an idea, the pins on his chair had not worked the four flat tyres on his car did not work either nor did the dog mess I hid under his desk. However, that stunk the classroom out and I got in serious trouble for it but mom forgave me for it because she is my mom and she understands. Though now I have been suspended, I am not fully sure she will forgive me and she is due back.

Even Karen does not think I will be forgiven for this one but I wanted him to stop coming near me. Therefore, when someone told me how good this no-nails glue was and it could hold a whole bookshelf up without any problem it gave me an idea. Karen thinks I may be expelled but I am due back Monday and I am leaving to stay with Karen on Saturday morning since mom is tired her voice sounded upset when I spoke to her.

Nevertheless, she will not tell me about work Karen just said she needed some space and some time to settle herself. Anyway, the reason I have been home since Monday is, well my first morning class was history and I was going to be in that jackass's class again.

I had put up with this for over a year and I was starting to hate school. Therefore, the glue was carefully placed around the outside of the chair I also made a crisscross on the seat just in case, and the fact it blended in so nicely with the fabric was even better.

I had never laughed so much in my life he came into class and sat down after giving us our work ten minutes later, he went to get up from said chair only to end up on his back with the chair attached to his ass he screamed like a girl. I could not do anything for laughing.

Nevertheless, I could not help the comment that fell out of my mouth 'That will teach you teach' he did not see it as funny, though I did see the medics smirking as they tried to free him.

But they couldn't so off to the hospital he went but I did have to hand them the tube the glue was in and that was when Karen frogged marched me out of school and also she made a phone call to mom that was the last time Karen spoke to mom that weekend she never came home so we left I guess she was so mad at me.

The following week Karen picked me up and informed me, I would be staying with my grandmother because mom had been in an accident. That word I hate that word. Mom promised me she would come back to me in one piece, I asked if she had been shot, if she had been beaten but I wasn't getting any answers off Karen and I didn't like that.

Karen told me everything but now she would not say a word and I wanted my mommy all she would tell me is that grandma would explain everything to me. That was not the answer I was looking for.

Karen seemed upset and hurt, I guessed it was knowing mom had been hurt and she had to fly out to a meeting which she had tried for over eight hours to get out of going to and she had said she didn't know how long it would be until she was back home. I did not like the sound of that one bit.

Karen must have spoken to my grandmother because later that week I was told. Not everything but what I needed to know and grandmother would explain the rest to me when I got to the hospital. She was going to send her car to come and get me something about not being able to come herself, as mom and JJ needed her.

Why would JJ need my grandmother? Karen promises me that the team has not hurt her but I think they have. I have not seen my mommy in nearly two weeks now and this scares me I want Karen with me but she has to go and she will not be back for a few months and I do not want her to go!

The car came and collected me from Karen's I was relieved to see they had sent Hannah to get me, being alone in a car with a man even if I know them scares me.

Grandmother took my hand as soon as I arrived everyone looked sad and worried and that scared me all the more I wanted my mommy I needed to see her to make sure she was okay.

I knocked on the door softly as I walked in JJ was laying on the bed with mommy when I entered though she soon moved saying she will leave us alone, she gave me a sad smile before closing the door behind her.

I was scared I would hurt mom but she asked for a cuddle and looking at her sad lifeless eyes, I could not say no. She will not tell me what happened and if I am honest, I do not think I would cope. I have to go back with grandmother now and stay with her until mommy is out of hospital. Mom told me that JJ had not left her side since they found her.

I really hate that word but I know why my mom told me and I know why she said it because I now know JJ would not hurt my mom. Nevertheless, that does not mean she will not hurt me!

She wasn't with the team when it happened I see the marks on her and I know what has made them but I will not treat her any other way than I always have, because mommy never treated me different she doesn't need to tell me she has been raped because her eyes tell me everything and she knows I know.

I leave with my grandma and the nightmares start again.

I want to go home I want my mommy I don't want to go back to school I want Karen I want and need my family I need my mom to be okay I can't lose her.

Karen eased my mind slightly, JJ is going home with mommy so I know she is safe and okay and Karen said she would talk to mom about school and moving back home. I wonder if JJ knows mommy tried to take her own life.

On the other hand, does she know I tried to end mine. I want to trust her and I feel I need to trust her. Mommy said she feels safe with JJ and I know there is more to it. Because her eyes soften when she is around her. However, she is still guarded.

Mom comes home soon and I have to stay with grandmother a while longer mom has agreed about me coming back home full time but not right away so grandma has said I can be home schooled and when Karen gets back I can stay with her while mom heals but I want to be near my mom.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

My mom is god damn fucking pregnant! As you can tell that does not sit well with me. And that means. What if the baby turns out to be like the man that hurt mom?

Mom had been back into work only to have JJ bring her home, Garcia rung me telling me mom had got upset and JJ was bring her home. My mother does not get upset! My mother gets angry pissed off loving and kind and only a few times upset but she would never allow anyone to see that hell I am her daughter and she doesn't allow me to see that well I say that but she does sometimes.

Mom looked so lost when JJ pulled the car up out front and JJ looked worried. I knew that look that JJ had it was fear she was scared not of mom not of my mom but where my mom's mind was or where it wasn't because it sure as hell wasn't on getting in the front door and the only thing I could think of was whiskey or scotch. Karen would give her a glass after a bad case.

They make me laugh the team have only met Karen once, well JJ she has met a few times since I have spent time to get to know her, some days I can be close to her other days not but she seems to understand and she also understands mom it is as though she has been through something herself but that would just be silly wouldn't it?

There again how can someone be so understanding and so I guess in tuned is the word with mom and me if nothing has happened. Do I ask her…No I cannot ask because she has never asked me about my past? I am glad that her and mom are together.

What I did not mention was part of the conversation in the hospital where mom asked me if I was okay with JJ being at ours and if I was okay if something came about. Had they only just noticed that they both fancied the ass off each other? I told Grandma if mom did not pull her finger out I was not coming home. In addition, that was the point where I knew I had to try and trust JJ.

I had gotten close or as close as I can be without knowing them fully. Two years and I do not know her or the team fully. Could that change? Can I allow them near me not one of them have ever hurt mom or me but I still have my fear. Mom seems to think if she allows JJ in she will lose her and part of me thinks it is because of what happened to me. Mom and Karen told me not to punish myself for what happened to me and it has taken time but I guess I still do on some level.

I spend a lot of time near the tree that is in the park, Karen was right it is comfort. I have calmed down now about mom being pregnant. That baby has not done anything to anyone and I hope I got through to her and I think. JJ went to work though I know she did not want to and I promised I was staying home with mom strange we all seem to be giving each other comfort and not seeing it.

Finally, mom has not had a nightmare but I am now not sleeping to well. Right now, I wish I could go and hide at Karen's and I think mom knew so I am going to grans for a few days.

Grandma and me went looking at schools. Nevertheless, I cannot they do not feel safe. Will mom make me go back to boarding school? I have no clue but I cannot go back there I want to be home I want to be with mom and with JJ and Karen.

What if JJ doesn't want me around? I like her I really do mom seems happy and settled well as settled as she can be we both miss Karen I think. Well I know I miss her deeply mom says she does not have the apartment anymore and that things need to be sorted I cannot get any straight answers off mom grandma or Karen!

Mom says we can sort something out regarding school now that confuses the hell out of me would be nice to have a straight answer at some point but my mom never does anything without a good reason. I am glad the baby is okay and I know mom could never have another abortion she still gets sad about it now

I spoke to Karen on the phone she knows about the baby. Of course, she would know Karen knows my mom better than anyone does. I know her and Morgan are close but he is her partner so she has to be.

I also know mom told JJ a white lie, which I understand because how can you turn and say to someone my daughter was kidnapped and use as a sex toy. Yes I am angry right now but at least it is a feeling at least it is something and I have not felt anger in such a long time.

We went looking at new houses again I think it was a little much for both JJ and me though if I am honest. I would like to know why we are looking at ones that have an annexe. However, there will be a good reason just wish I knew. I stayed with JJ when we looked around she kept me calm but it was still too much for me so the last house I couldn't go in I waited in the car.

The meal was nice and poor JJ was asleep in the car on the way back I wonder if mom knows she is not sleeping much. I hear her sometimes mom is a deep sleeper but I can hear her soft cries and I want to help her and comfort her but I don't know how she would react to that let alone how I would react.

Well I guess my mom still has sex they made enough noise last night but that also tells me that mom loves her and that she trusts her fully. After Lisa mom never let anyone close because of what she said about me. Mom said if they could not deal with the fact that she has a child then she did not want to know. Part of me wondered if my mom notices I am not like other kids my age. I think she does. I turn 15 in June but this year I told mom I did not want it in June so I had it at the start of the year it is a joke between us now.

What puzzled me when I woke up to them having sex is it did not bother me in a sense it felt normal! I know mom is spending the day with Morgan I hope JJ is not doing anything because I think I want to get to know her and for her to know me. Maybe mommy and Karen are not the only people to see you now my friend but if I can find the words, I will ask her this morning but first a few hours' sleep.

I hope this is the right thing to do and she does not leave mom because I am broken. I hope I am right about her though.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

I guess that did not go too well. I upset her and I am not sure why I don't understand I didn't mean to make her cry. I didn't think my words would have that much of an impact on her. Mom is with her now I guess I blew it for her.

It started off, so good. We had a drive out of town to a remote lake it was beautiful and I felt safe and relaxed, we talked for a while as we walked around, I now know what I can get her at birthdays, butterflies or red soxs. I got slightly uncomfortable the more we talked and I guess she could tell that, as we sat on the bench, and she read you, while I stayed cuddled into her; I was so scared she was going to leave me there.

So scared she would look at me in disgust, yes I am nearly 15 but inside I am not so, sometimes my actions and words don't make sense, and there I was putting my trust in another person letting another person know me, but I need her to know because my mom needs her, my mom loves her and she loves my mom. I am 15 not stupid!

Me and Karen have spoken a lot in the past about the types of closeness two people can share because Karen made a comment once that she did not know all moms secrets and I am starting to understand that now, Karen told me you share so much but you share everything with the person you truly love.

I bet your wondering how I know my mom truly loves Jennifer, because she didn't stop me from showing her my story, she didn't ask me to wait she didn't tell me not to do it. It was my choice.

I am glad I told her and she understands she has not asked any questions. Karen did when she read you but not Jennifer. I find that slightly strange well I did until she said she had scars, I am starting to wonder what has happened to her.

She did not say she had been in an accident, she says she has a past and she has dealt with it. Mom said that once, she told me she dealt with her past in regarding the abortion but I also know it still hurts her.

I felt a lot better when she told me it didn't change anything and she wasn't going anywhere because I don't want her to, mom is so happy now! well she is and she isn't, but mom always handle it, but I guess Jennifer knows she isn't because she stays close to her like mom use to stay close to me.

Waiting for me to fall so she can catch me when I did. I just worry that mom will not let her catch her because she did not allow Karen to until it was nearly too late.

The car ride home was silent and I thought I had upset her or she was mad at me, I made her think of her past and that hurt, because sometimes people need to forget the past. I wish I could forget my past but I cannot.

She said she had a big sister and now I am starting to think she killed herself, which would now explain her mood and tears. God I hope not. she looked so distant and sad.

She says we all have our own stories, which I know because mom and Karen have said that a lot over the years. When she said we all have stories and we all have a past some are worse than others but your own past is never better than any other's. It confused me but I think I might understand it better now.

My past is worse because I went through it, not anyone else, so they cannot understand my pain or feelings just as I cannot understand another's. Which is true and I know she was not saying hers was worse, because I know what she was meaning. She was telling me she could not understand the pain I went through because it never happened to her, but it does not make it any worse or better. Well I hope I am correct in my understanding but that will stay between me you and Jennifer.

She says she does not need to tell her story and now I worry it was something really bad because she says mom knows, but when I asked if mom knows she only nodded her head, so I know whatever it is was horrible. She is too kind to have bad things happen to her, but then I look at mom and Karen.

Yeah god seems to like the good people to suffer and the bad people to not! I do not like god I hate him because if he were real then the people I have grown to love would not have suffered as they have. Mom blames the abortion. I blame me and I am starting to wonder if Jennifer blames someone for what has happened to her or to mom and right now even me. Because I know, what she read hurt her because I can tell.

However, I do understand she will never hurt me and I do feel so safe with her maybe her and mom will get married and I can have a proper second mom and a proper family.

I asked her if I need to get mom for her, I know she did not want me to worry but hell I could see more tears in her eyes as though a floodgate was about to erupted and I think I caused that. I made her hurt and upset and that was the only reason I woke mom up, other than the fact I did not like that Morgan had his arm around her. Nevertheless, mom will not fall asleep if she does not feel safe so she feels safe with him.

Which after two whole years you would think, I knew that already. And that is where mom is now upstairs with Jennifer.

What if she leaves us what if I really hurt her and she did not want to tell me. What have I done? Please please do not let me lose her please!

Do not let me lose someone just because I let them in and please stop hurting my mom god you have punished her enough! You punished mom after the abortion she was not welcome at church and her dad said some horrible things to her. Then I was born and you let them men take me, was it just to watch her suffer more or do we all have to suffer because of a choice she made when she was 15!

Do you not understand that a 15 year old kid is just a scared child, too young for everything but not old enough for anything either! I guess I will blame god for everything that happens because I no longer know why bad things happen and have happened, all I do know is that it always happens to the people who are nice and kind! On the other hand, are they punished because of the job they do and the people they help?

I seem to need to write a lot tonight, I am now at the embassy with Karen she knows that something is playing on my mind and I also know she is sat outside my bedroom door because I came straight in here when we got back and its only because I know I have upset the happiness between mom and Jennifer. On the other hand, I think I might have because I heard Jennifer say they needed to talk about things when she was with Karen.

I cannot believe Karen is going to be living with us again and I am in shock that it was Jennifer who asked her, I guess she sees a lot more than she says because I doubt anyone else would have asked that. But when she said that she didn't want to have to trust anyone else with me or the baby I knew something else as well something has finally settled in me something I didn't even realise I was worried about. Jennifer has always been protecting us without me knowing it.

Her and mom talk about me and she knew I wouldn't settle in a school and she knew I wanted to stay home or I need to stay home, I nearly lost my mommy but I think I might have also gained a Ma.

In addition, that makes me so happy I just hope I am right and she will be and she will let me call her Ma and she really does care.

I guess now I can go and spend some time with Karen I just needed to get this out because you help me get things straight in my mind and I do not think I have said thank you for that.

Nevertheless, I will write to you again because I feel I am going to need to because something else is going to upset our world I can just feel it!


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Okay may be sitting at the top of the stairs and waiting for Jennifer to answer my mother's question isn't a good idea, mom looks petrified, Jennifer looks in shock and is just staring at the box and all I can do is sit here hold my breath and tell you my friend what is happening because it looks as though my mom might get her heart ripped out her chest if Jennifer doesn't speak soon!

I can see worry in mom she is moving away Jennifer still has not spoken and I want to run downstairs and make her talk. I want to also sit here and cry because she might be saying no. Oh god moms crying. Please speak say something. Right now I want to scream my mom is breaking her heart here Jennifer please say something!

Okay so maybe I should not spy but mom asked me if it was okay! As if she needed my permission, I know they love each other but why the fucking hell is not she answering her. I want to hear the words yes fall from her lips not just my mom's tears and Jennifer's slack jaw. God this is too much to watch. It feels like I have been sat here waiting for hours god knows how mom feels.

Oh, god oh god I did not know Jennifer was crying but I heard the words YES! Do I run down there? No no got to stay still and let mom and Jennifer settle god I am so happy I wish Karen was here to share this moment.

Okay did not need to see them kiss, not as bad as walking in on your mom having sex but it still gross!

YES! The ring is on her finger. God I feel like a cheerleader but without saying any words! I am happy I am really happy! And I have not; no let us not go there. Oops! Her mom doesn't know that could go badly, I haven't met her mom know about her they have spoken but it rather unsettles me but surely she is nice?

Oh here is my chance mom is hungry the moment for privacy is over and damn I just got busted!

I wonder if Jennifer will let me go with her and Garcia.

Well I got a yes! I want to get to know moms team but I don't know how to ask, maybe Garcia will teach me more about computer and that might make her happy as well? We move next week I wonder if I can get Jennifer to look at things for the new house? In addition, even the baby I know mom is only three and a half months but something is not sitting right with me.

Garcia really is a force of nature that's for sure, I can't help but panic but I also don't want to be scared of her she is just sooooo loud it unnerves me.

I cannot believe Jennifer thinks she is not good enough for mom and I know mom also feels the same they both have the same worries and it is somewhat cute to watch and listen. I am glad Jennifer talks in front of me like this though. Because it means she trusts me.

The ring that Jennifer drew is out of this world, I wonder what moms going to say or if she is going to be rendered speechless like Jennifer was.

I liked it when Jennifer kept her arm around me all the time we were out; I felt safe which is strange I have never felt that safe unless I am with mom. Lunch was really nice and I am glad I asked Garcia. She looked like she could burst in two when Jennifer said she had to contain herself. I am glad Jennifer made Garcia stop about that, I know it hurts Jennifer I can tell but I also know she needs to talk to someone.

Jennifer blames herself for mom getting hurt; I hope she does not blame herself as mom did when I was gone for that length of time.

Garcia wants to spoil the baby I am not sure Jennifer likes that idea and I am not too sure mom will either. I wonder who is more stubborn out of the three of them. She seemed so worried when she thought something was wrong with mom and the baby and it touched me.

I had asked Jennifer what Garcia's family was like because in two years I never have heard them be brought up. Moreover, that is when I found out they had died in a car crash! To me it seems the whole BAU has heartache and bad things have happened to them but yet they are so nice.

Garcia calls me princess, just like Morgan calls mom princess, is that because of where we come from or is it just a term they use?

We went around the shops and I found some nice things I wanted for my bedroom for some reason I am not sure if I want my old things, they hold so many memories and not all are good ones. I know me and Karen have spoken a lot over the days. I have told her I hate the fact that I still do not know who I am.

You might remember I say ages ago about brain injury I had and I know I never explained it, I took a lot of beating's they would knock me unconscious and I would be out of it for days, it caused a lot of brain damage and stopped some of my development but it hasn't stopped my knowledge it has stopped or damaged my understanding of things I know the words but I don't always understand what they mean or I will use them wrong.

I will stutter and speak fast and sometimes I forget to breath which if Jennifer had not reminded me I think I would have stumbled over my words even more. Nevertheless, it also explains why sometimes I lack sense when I write but this helps keeps my demons at bay it helps me understand more and mom was right you are my voice.

Mom seems better but I heard her talking the other day and something is weighing on her mind and I can see the hurt and anger boiling inside her. In addition, I know it is not towards me Jennifer or Karen. I also know mom is trying so hard not to shut herself off. And not hide from Jennifer I guess Karen was right about not fully knowing someone unless you are truly in love with them.

May be mom can tell her what made her change and how come she seemed to have lost part of herself. And I am not talking about the bad things that happened I am talking about before that horrible time back in 1997.

She seemed destroyed back then she was gone for months and it looked as though she lost her soul if that is even possible. And there I go again getting side tracked but who can blame me right? I mean has anyone else been as through as much as we have?

I got upset the other day and I don't know how to ask or if I should because I shouldn't have been in their room they don't come in mine but I was looking for mom and Jennifer was in the bathroom with the door open. I do though now know what she meant by scars her back looks like a multi tune of patterns there are lines going over them in crisscross's, and I want to know what happened and I know I could never ask because they would both be so mad. On the other hand, Jennifer would get upset again and I do not want that.

I also can feel them when she holds me and when my hands are wrapped around her back. I wonder if she already knows I know. And just does not bring it up.

The shopping was a little too much and I am so glad Jennifer noticed and she brought us home. I just need some time to myself to settle back down because when we got back Karen was not here but Morgan was and he seemed happy. Though mom did not seem impressed when she saw the amount of bags that they brought in.

I guess buying things just before we move was not the best thing!


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

I guess I been spending a lot of time with Karen. Both Jennifer and Karen are worried about her and I am getting scared she has closed herself off again. She is slipping away. I know she is. I can feel it!

We move today I had to stay at moms until Karen gets back, which should be around 10. I have heard mom pacing all night. Which is never a good sign, Jennifer looks tired mom looks beyond tired but I know Jennifer is looking after her.

Mmm moms cooking again but I get the slight feeling I should not go out my room yet. To comfortable and if I am honest Garcia is due to arrive shortly with the rest of them and it is just too much for me right now.

May, I hate this month but Jennifer said this could be a new start for me and for us all too many memories haunt us in this house! I am glad Jennifer and Karen get along as they do, though I notice she withdrawn maybe it is the thought that her and mom really bought a house or the fact she is part of the family.

I hope she knows that I really do and I hope she knows I already see her as my Ma even if I have not asked her. I do not want the baby's to be born and my call her by another name. However, in saying this does she realise she is going to be a mom as well or the fact that she is already a mom?

They don't want anyone to know about the twins, it does make me chuckle cause even Karen doesn't know and I only know this because you will hear mom and Jennifer talk sometimes and it either baby, it or bump. I am guessing mom is still coming to terms with the fact that there is two growing inside her. I just do not know why she will not tell anyone. On the other hand, is it because she wants it to be private a family thing but doesn't she say the team are like family?

I hate hearing my mom's voice like that she sounds so pissed at Jennifer, I snuck out my door to listen, okay really I need to learn not to ease drop on them but damn it Jennifer do you not understand you are part of the family already and you are going to be a mom and you are already. I guess she had not noticed that nor had mom not told her.

I think I will wait before going down because as much as I love my mom I don't like her temper and I haven't seen Jennifer's but since her and mom are a like I can only guess. However, she might be worse!

I could not help but tense when she asked me if I was going to help them move and at that point I was glad of Jennifer stepping front of me and letting them know I was going with Karen. Too much too soon I relaxed slightly as I felt my mom's arms wrap around me and telling me it was okay to hide till Karen got there.

Karen and me spent the day looking at paint and working out how I would like my rooms. That makes me laugh one house and I will have two rooms, mom says Morgan will put a lock on my bedroom door if I still feel I need one. However, I do not think I do I feel safe with the three of them but maybe I could so I know I have something safe there!

Well mom and Jennifer left on a case in the early hours, must be bad but I have to spend time walking around the museums with Karen, I had so much fun they had a display regarding Indians, which was great never, knew there was so many different tribes, fascinating really.

Mom had given me some money but Karen gave me some more since I saw some great history books, I wonder if everyone has a favourite subject in school though Karen says I am obsessed with it but I love it. With history you can learn not just about your own country but all the others it is a great insight to how others live and why they have the laws like they do.

I could not believe I went to bed so early I was so tired and yes, 12am is early for me, I do not normally get much sleep this time of year, Karen is staying in moms room until we get the rest of the bedroom decorated. We really should work on the nurseries, but mom just does not seem to want to. Does that mean she now does not want them? I see her tense when Jennifer touches it, they have not even bought anything I hope Jennifer or Karen will knock some sense into my mom at some point!

Why is it when you are so tired that people always seem to want you or need you to wake up, I can barely keep my eyes open and Karen walks in with the phone and now I am awake because my mom sounds so sad, I know Jennifer would be trying to comfort her. However, like more sometimes we just need each other. Though hearing my mom, moan down the phone was not something I needed to hear. I threw the phone at Karen trying to get the sound out of my head.

Don't get me wrong I have heard them having sex trust me Jennifer is nearly as vocal as my mom but my god I don't need them to start it when I'm on the phone. I might ask if I can have the room down the hall so I do not have the hear the oh gods and fuck and a few other choice words they use. Though mom never made this much noise before is it because she is in love with her and Lisa was just that? In addition, I wonder how many other kids have to hear their parents having sex.

Whoa! I just noticed what I put. However, I am right they are my parents. Can I get the nerve though to ask Jennifer if I can call her ma and would she want me to? I know she is not but the way she protects us she is a mom.

I still want to know why they want to keep it a secret but I think I know mom been having a lot of sickness and they have been worried about one of the babies. I just hope the case they are on does not bring moms blood pressure up which I know it will.

SHE shot my MOM! I know Karen explained it but why the hell did she shot her, yeah yeah I know she had a gun held to her head and it was either take the bullet or die but for crying out loud why does everyone who cares about my mom end up shooting her!

Is it a thing with the people in her life, hey I know in order to let you know how much we care we will just shoot you! First Karen shoots her in the leg, which, okay was not really Karen's fault and now Jennifer shoots her in the arm. Come on how fucked up is that type of love?

Well I just got off the phone with Garcia she wants me to go down there mom and Jennifer get back in a few hours and Garcia wants to give me a lesson while we wait for them. Hmm I wonder how pissed she really is at Jennifer and if she is going to see if I am mad?

The only thing I think me and Karen are slightly mad at is the phone call today. First, the woman thought it was the wrong number, then when it rung a few moments later I answered it and I had a slightly abrupt woman on the phone. Is it because I answered the phone or did she think mom is playing away while Jennifer is not here?

Well at least I can tell her when I see her that someone called Sandy wants to speak to her.

Well I have now been here for an hour and a half and Garcia says they are on the way back so it might be best to wait in the kitchen, so I am sat here writing and waiting while Garcia hovers near the elevators, I so hope she does not shout at Jennifer. I know she has been trying to work out how angry I am at Jennifer but I am not.

I hope mom tells her I won't be because I don't want her to worry that I will hate her or ugh there goes the ding and yep the way Garcia said my name makes me think she wants me to shout at her. So not going to be happening!


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Well I must say that totally shocked them the lock on Garcia's and Morgan's face I wish I had a camera!

Okay so maybe Jennifer has not told her mom everything; kind of glad she told her mom has a daughter not sure, if she knows about Karen.

Not sure if I have ever described Karen before well she is 5ft8 which is huge since I am only 5ft2 yeah I so haven't taken after my mom there, but there again I like being small, though Jennifer isn't that much bigger. Anyway, she is built like a brick-shit house you know when you see one of those bouncers that seem to have muscles on top of muscles type of deal. In addition, she still keeps in shape now.

Mom Jennifer and Karen all train outside, it is so funny to watch but Jennifer is a fast learner though giving mom a black was kind of funny. The thing with people who lack in the height department is we can move faster and we are never where you think we should be. Hence, mom's eye made contact with Jennifer's elbow I was so glad I was sat down because I would have fallen down laughing.

I bet they had fun explaining that one at work! Nevertheless, that was a few weeks ago before Jennifer shot mom. That still makes me laugh now.

However, I have now been kicked out the house with mom because Jennifer's mother is coming and they need some privacy, which I do not mind I do not know her, but Karen says I have to try this time instead of hiding away because she will be family. Yeah the last person I let get close to me and give me a hug nearly killed me. Why didn't anyone warn me if Garcia tries to hug, you run and hide or your bones get crushed I swear that woman does not know her own strength!

Oh, crap! I forgot Sandy was going to be there she looks scary but so like Jennifer. but I think me backing out the door just as fast had her asking some strange question to Jennifer I don't care that Jennifer's mom and I sort of needed my mom because I needed to ask her something so I ran off up the stairs.

Only to find my mother slumped over the toilet. That so is not an attractive look, even if you are pregnant. Why do people say you glow when you are pregnant I mean mom sure as hell is not unless vomit lights up! Moreover, the amount mom has been throwing up I have to ask if it could be a record!

Okay maybe I should be nice but my god have you ever looked at your mother being pregnant when your 15 and she is like double if not triple the size she was like 4 months ago just wow. It is as if someone has shoved a huge soccer ball inside her and it makes her waddle. Surprised she has not been told she cannot work yet because there is no way in hell she could run up a set of stairs I think she only just makes the bathroom these days.

Yep so never getting pregnant. And I swear she has more life in her than those batteries that go on and on and I am starting to feel sorry for Jennifer I swear mom wakes her two maybe three times a night…Yeah I so can't wait to have the bedroom down the hall me and Karen are sorting it before she goes away because I have told mom. I am tired of being woken up with oh gods and fuck yes and harder Emily I swear down they both want to give me nightmares.

I think the whole street knows they love each other because damn I need to buy earplugs must put that on my list! I am starting to wonder if mom has used the rampant rabbit she brought on her way back before she was attacked or did that go missing as well? Oh, god did me even just think that... I wonder if I can move into Karen's full time at least I know she is not having sex and if she is she is not loud.

I keep thinking I am going to hear people storming the house shouting police fbi with the way those to scream and I don't even want to say the words but my mom can cuss in a lot of different languages and if you are going to do that maybe you should use one your daughter doesn't know!

There again I do not think 'god you taste so good' would sound very nice in Arabic. If I knew, they were going to be at it nearly every night and sometimes not just once, I think I should have stayed in boarding school much more peaceful!

On the other hand, maybe get their room soundproofed as a wedding gift! Oh, I might have to ask Karen.

Well I spoke to mom and she said I could ask Jennifer when I am ready Karen has now gone to see her family and nope never met them I know mom asks how they are doing a lot though.

I so didn't like were that conversation was going if I think she is nice then maybe I will tell Sandy about me not anyone else I felt so uncomfortable I know she is going to be family but it is hard when people turn up that I don't know that I do want to know and then I worry how they will be with me but as long as she doesn't come too close then I'm fine.

Okay scrap what I wrote before I really like Sandy been spending a lot of time with her since mom and Jennifer have to go to work and I can't be alone we have been looking at places for the wedding and we found some. Grandmother wanted it on the estate but that so is not happening Rossi has offered his mansion and now mom and Jennifer what it at home. I think we are leaning towards Rossi's offer if I am honest makes more sense.

Well mom and Jennifer are at the hospital they will not tell us the sex of the babies yet, we have to wait until they are married something about if we have to get married now you have to wait to find out. Please explain how that is even the slightest bit fair?

It's funny watching Sandy keep an eye on mom and Jennifer her eyes track them both it is so sweet and I find myself more and more settled with her she touch my shoulder the other day and it sent me into a slight panic but she manage to get me calm. I swear it is something to do with Jennifer her mother has the same effect on me I feel safe with her. What the hell!

How is it that I feel more relaxed around these two people than I have around anyone in my life if you take mom out of the picture I mean it is just so strange I feel comfortable Sandy says I remind her of Jennifer when she was younger. Moreover, that would be the most I can get out of her but still.

Therefore, I took the bull by its horns finally and asked and Jennifer said YES! Therefore, she is now Ma! Okay need to calm down but I am so happy and then when I asked about Sandy I got so scared and I thought when she said no it was you know one of those yeah I like you kid but you're not really family.

However, she did not, she said no to being called gran she wants me to call her Nan instead.

Is this what it should feel like to feel happy and somewhat complete? Been lost for so long but I have a family that love me for me and a family that does not question me when I flinch or lock myself away. I am even getting to know the team and mom was right about Reid he is a fountain of information hopefully will get to spend time with him I can learn so much from him, as long as he does not give me a five-hour lecher on a question that should have only taken maybe 10 minutes to explain. '**Merci Dieu de cette famille'**

* * *

(Thank you God for this family)


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Well mom is more the stressed now grandmother turned up and me, Ma and Nan have to keep quite Karen is sad because she is not going to be able to make it back and also if she could mom would know something is going on and I think she already does.

Maybe mom and grandmother going shopping on their own isn't a good idea but I had no choice weren't allowed with them,

My god I thought Ma was going to kill Garcia. I have never seen a dress with so many colours on it, but I could not help laughing it was just too funny and I think Nan agreed but the glare of Ma got me to settle down.

Nan found a lovely dress, but the sadness I could hear in Ma's voice I could not help but wrap my arms around her. Her dad and brother that unsettles me slightly as Ma keeps hold of my hand I think like her she can feel my unease.

Why do I feel it is now Mom who is going to flip but Ma, but I agree mom does not need the stress, I heard something about blood pressure and taking it easy but mom will not slow down?

We got dragged around that many shops, I felt sorry for them both when a snapped but I can understand why mom is great at putting on the smiled and graces so people don't see how unhappy she truly is, Ma tries to convince her she is perfect but mom doesn't even I have tried but mom told me she now understand how I use to feel when I told her my skin crawls.

Lunch was nice and I stayed curled in close to Ma, yeah I had become somewhat quite but Ma knew why, it took a lot out of me being around so many people, but I can do it for Ma because I know she will always keep me safe and away from harm.

Wow! That dress is perfect I agree when they joked about it not staying on that long but hell I swear they forget I am around, is it not bad enough that I hear them in bed, or when I walk in the dining room and just eww, but I was glad they were somewhat dressed but my god second time I have caught my mom at it. Was grateful they had a sheet around them but still.

Ma was so cute when she hid her face in mom's neck who was in fact glaring at me. Jeeze not like I live there or anything how was I to know they were going to be having sex in a room where we all eat!

Okay not the best way to be woken up. Mom was shouting at Ma, about keeping things from her and she knew something was going on. I am thinking mom is more than just stressed out I mean her blood pressure must be sky high right now. I am stating to think that maybe telling mom that the wedding has been brought forward would be a good idea.

She is pissed off because instead of it just being us three since Karen has her own home well it is spate from ours but right now we have two extra bodies and not to mention two more people coming. Mom is going to flip.

Okay I thought the front door was going to come off with the amount of force mom slammed it with, I followed her upstairs just to have her bedroom door slammed in my face, I haven't seen her this, I guess the word is broken, I am worried about her.

Nan said she might just need some private time, that I can understand but one she is home early second no matter what mood she is in I always get a hello and finally Ma is not with her!

Damn it! How could I have forgotten about her appointment! Ma will be home soon hopefully, the appointments seemed to have been helping her but now I think they are not maybe Ma could sort her out when she gets home well that is if mom will let her in the room.

I still think it shocks Ma and mom when I call her Ma but she is I am so glad they finally admitted their feelings for each other and they make each other happy, Ma now knows I know about her back which didn't go down well she was embarrassed and told me she didn't and couldn't tell me about it I respect her enough though not to push the matter.

I saw my grandfather the other week for the first time he came to Grandmother's, he wants to make things right with mom, but I was told not to say anything so I have to keep it from her, I hate keeping things from them both but I know mom doesn't like him and she has never told me why. Though I am sure, Ma knows.

I do not think mom ate any of her dinner I am so worried she has not said a word to anyone other than Ma. I get the feeling it's going to be a long night

It has been so long since my mom has woken us up screaming, and I am guessing something bad happened at her appointment, I hate nightmares mom is meant to be happy we are meant to be getting past it all. Nevertheless, I guess I am wrong.

I must say getting to know the team is great even though I am still wary of Hotch but that's only because he is scary to look at and so is Rossi, Morgan is a teddy bear, yep still class him as a bear, but I have finally settled with them all. For the first time in a long time, I feel safe and I know I am loved.

I have never doubted my mom's love for me but I always felt like she had to love me when I have taken so much from her, Ma was right though talking to someone has helped me a lot and Ma comes with me sometimes.

So glad mom was not mad about the wedding being brought forward.

Anthony and Mark are nice well nice enough I can be in the same room as them without panicking too much though when they first came it took Ma an hour to get me out of my room, she kept her arm around me all the time not allowing me to runaway which I will point out I wanted to but I know they won't allow anything to happen to me.

Mom is upset that Karen won't be there but they have spoken and mom seem happy enough now but still I know how much they mean to each other. Nevertheless, I am also seeing how much Morgan means to my mom as well, it is strange.

Well I do not have much time to write as we got a lot to do my friend but I will tell you everything after the wedding.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Whoa! You know when you read back over something and you sit there in shock because even I can't work out what my last entry said my friend and I am hoping you did I think everything just got turned upside down in my mind. Oh, well let us hope I make more sense now. However, I will say sorry for any confusion. You have to remember this whole family thing is new to me but I let them all near me now as long as it is on my terms and they do not make the first move. However, I still tend to flinch. God I Miss Karen right now, I guess she is like a big sister to me like she is to mom, how freaky is that!

Okay so it is the day of the wedding and I am keeping out of the way as much as I can. Mom has been up most of the night to the point I had to get in bed with her because she was missing Ma so much. Starting to understand the whole she keeps me together saying.

Morgan can stay more often if he going to make that every morning just wow! A man who can cook and deal with my mom, which now one can deal with mom aside from Ma, she seems whole, but right now she is worried and starting to think she lacks faith in me! Either that or she is scared out of her mind that Ma is not going to show up or that we have forgotten something.

I have never seen her this stressed well I am not even sure I would stay stressed it is like a whole heap of emotions and worry and god knows what else is sat in there with her. Never thought mom would panic about grandma, are weddings really this stressful? Her mind seems to be everywhere or is it the fact that she is pregnant?

Really, I cannot believe she thought I was not okay with this! I mean not as if I have helped arrange the wedding or anything is it, for someone with so many brains my mother can be so thick! I must say I am glad I got to do her hair though she looks very stunning and I hope she feels it.

She is beautiful, and no I am not just saying it because I am her daughter I am saying it because it is true. Okay when I asked Hotch if mom and Morgan are normally worse than they are right now I didn't know what to think other than how the hell do they get any work done? On the other hand, is it just because they see so many bad things they have to laugh and joke at each other?

Wow Rossi's home is huge I mean yeah the embassies are big but just wow. This place can give them a run for their money. I just hoped we were not spending too long in that room, Morgan was trying to calm mom down, which was not working Grandma looked just as bad, and I am stood in a corner because right now everything is telling me to run because I feel crowded!

Okay I am now totally blown away for more reasons than I can place into words. We are now a family a true family and I now have two moms. How many people can say that and be happy about it. I mean let us face it I have only known Ma two years but, when mom told me years ago that the world can stop and what seems like a few months can in fact be a lifetime. It finally makes sense I feel I have known Ma all my life.

I feel like she was what was missing in our lives this whole time. Does that make sense? Grandma has told me I will be having some time away soon going to England! I wonder if it. I mean I want to see my best friend again. It has been such a long time but there again she may have forgotten me because and I do not know what mom told her still and I doubt she will remember.

I dance with the whole team! Even scary Hotch! Guess he is not too bad after all. Well I am going to stay with my grandmother tonight and she said for a few days really so mom and Ma can have some alone time. We to me translates as very very loud sex! Eww.

Well I am now in England! I fucking love my grandmother Karen is here! Why did No one tell me I was going to see Karen and she was flying back with me? I have missed her so much I told her everything about the wedding and the team and how I dance with them all just wow! I love my parents! They set this up Grandma said they knew how much I missed her, I can't believe they always put my feelings and needs first even Ma does, Karen told me this would be her last trip here for a while, she seems sad and I can understand that she missed him.

I don't know how I would cope losing mom, I nearly lost her once and that was bad enough don't think I could cope if I lost her again, I had forgotten what the weather was like here, it is still very warm I think they are having their Indian summer again which means it will be hotter than back home hitting above the 100 marker.

People seem to think it rains a lot here and is cold but it is only really cold three months out of the year. However, they have been known to get snow in June before now, I still miss it but now it does not feel like home. I told Karen that last night and she understands it, I also want to go back to school again I miss having a friend how strange is that. However, Karen has said it is because I am finally settled and she is right. I have never felt so settled in my life and never felt so safe.

I won't ever forget what happened to me that is still deeply imprinted in my mind but I can live with that I can live with the memories I get the feeling I will be making a lot more and they will be good ones now.

I guess mom has been forgiven for having that abortion; either that or she has been punished enough.

I think I need to tell you my friend what I have learnt today we went to the tower of London and wow!

It was founded towards the end of 1066 as part of the Norman Conquest of England. The White Tower, which gives the entire castle its name, was built by William the Conqueror in 1078, and was a resented symbol of oppression, inflicted upon London by the new ruling elite.

The peak period of the castle's use as a prison was the 16th and 17th centuries, when many figures whom had fallen into disgrace, such as Elizabeth I before she became queen, were held within its walls. This use has led to the phrase "sent to the Tower".

Executions were more commonly held on the notorious Tower Hill to the north of the castle, with 112 occurring there over a 400-year period. In the latter half of the 19th century, institutions such as the Royal Mint moved out of the castle to other locations, leaving many buildings empty. Anthony Salvin and John Taylor took the opportunity to restore the Tower to what was felt to be its medieval appearance, clearing out many of the vacant post-medieval structures. In the First and Second World Wars, the Tower was again used as a prison, and witnessed the executions of 12 men for espionage. After the Second World War, damage caused during the Blitz was repaired and the castle reopened to the public. Today the Tower of London is one of the country's most popular tourist attractions. It is cared for by the charity Historic Royal Palaces and is protected as a World Heritage Site.

Yep okay useless information my friend but I want my mom and Ma to know what I have been doing because they will want to know and my memory is not as good as it was when I was younger, that would be part of the brain damage and why you are so important to me.

The bridge facing stones were disassembled and each was numbered. After the bridge was dismantled, it was transported to Merrivale Quarry where 15 to 20 cm was sliced off many of the original stones. These were shipped to the bridge's present location and re-assembly began in 1968. Re-assembly work was done by Sundt Construction, then headquartered in Tucson, Arizona. The original stone was used to clad a concrete structure, so that the bridge is no longer the original after which it is modelled. The reconstruction took slightly over three years and was completed in late 1971. Today, it serves as a popular tourist attraction for the city.

It is a popular rumour that the bridge was bought in the belief that it was London's more recognizable Tower Bridge, but this was ardently denied by McCulloch himself and by Ivan Luckin, who sold the bridge.

The bridge's relocation was the basis of a 1985 made-for-television movie Bridge Across Time, also known as Arizona Ripper or Terror at London Bridge, directed by E.W. Swackhamer and starring David Hasselhoff and Stepfanie Kramer. In the film, a series of murders in Lake Havasu is attributed to the spirit of Jack the Ripper, whose soul is transported to the United States in one of the stones of the bridge. Also, the movie Falling Down, the title of which references the nursery rhyme "London Bridge Is Falling Down", has a Los Angeles policeman's wife who wants to relocate to Lake Havasu City after he retires.

Yep more useless facts but just wow! That is something I want to see going to have to ask mom if she and Ma will take me at some point. Who knew you could sell a bridge? That is just crazy! Why on earth would you sell a bridge? English people are crazy!

Well we set back off home today and I can't wait my friend it is now July and I have miss my parents so much but I will say I have had a great time here I just wish Mom and Ma had come. Will write soon my friend...


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Yay! Finally, I am home! You know it is strange a few years ago, I could not class this as home and wanted to go back to England but now I could not wait to leave England and come back home. Talk about reversing rolls so to speak. I have told mom and ma about the trip and now mom has had to promise to take ma when the twins are old enough and I cannot wait.

I can see the light has gone away from moms eyes and that she is distant again but I do not want to say anything I know ma will pull her back in time.

Mom, Karen and me had a girls night in Ma has gone out with the team, mom says she needs it and I guess she is right. She needs a break, we ordered some pizza and settled on the couch for the evening mom and Karen got lost in their own conversation I honestly think they forgot I was there.

Well that was until mom turned to me telling me no matter what I was always going to be her babygirl and nothing would change that. Mom told Karen what had happened today at work my heart went out to mom. She has been dealing so well or not dealing as the case maybe.

Now don't get me wrong I love my mother to bits but I can see the walls have gone back up and so can Karen, she is guarded when she talks to us and I think she is with Ma as well. Does this mean she is closing down again? The last time she closed down like this she nearly killed herself, and I also know she has not been sleeping all that well.

I mentioned about getting her bedroom soundproofed as well she said she would think about it, but I think the I will think about it is more I will talk to Ma about it. I get the impression she was shocked when I said it because she blushed deeply and mom does not blush Oops! I guess your kid asking if they could soundproof the room because I do not like being woken up to the sounds of oh god and harder Emily went down too well, I guess they did not realise how loud they really were.

Mom turned in early I think she was missing ma if I am honest; well the early night was blown out the water I heard mom shouting into the phone and her rushing to get dressed and telling Rossi to come and get her because ma was fighting with someone called Elle? Wonder who she is and why ma is fighting with her. Moreover, why are not Morgan, Reid and Garcia separating them or is ma a lot worse than I thought.

I know my mom is dangerous I heard Karen and mom talking once something about mom has been trained to kill; I really did not like the sound of that, how you train someone to kill. I get the impression it had nothing to do with guns and the way her and Karen train I can believe it they do not hold back when they start and I see mom holding back when they use to train with ma. Is my mom really a killing machine?

Well ma looked a right mess when they got home black eye busted lip and her ribs were hurting as mom said nothing was broken, I couldn't help but laugh when ma turned around saying she wished she had, had longer to kick her arse. I guess ma really does not like her! In addition, that makes me glad that she likes mom and me because if they say the other person looks worse I can only think that ma lost her temper and no one could get in the way without getting hurt. Now that really is a scary thought. Nevertheless, she reassured me telling me she only gets that mad if someone upsets her or calls her family and she will not tolerate anyone saying bad things about either of us ever. I think that maybe not a good thing to know mom said she is the best shot with her gun. So now, I worry if I get friends and if one of them upsets me, does that mean ma will be like mom shot first ask questions later? God I hope not.

Well I have been shipped off for the night me and Karen at Grandma's for the evening something about mom and ma need to talk without the fear of anyone walking in and disturbing them.

Whoa! It must have been some talk, Karen and me walked in only to be attack by a shed load of bags and boxes with ma whispering at us to go and look upstairs! The nurserys are full of toys and everything. Does this mean ma finally got through to mom? Ma said she needs to talk to me once mom is awake but I have not to worry because it is nothing bad. Wonder what it is about?

I wonder if they know I can hear them when they wake in the middle of the night. Or now I can hear they are both crying? Do I go and check on them or leave them be and find out how they both are in the morning. Because I know, they will tell me. Well aside from that, they want to talk to me.

Okay that went okay I guess, they are worried that I would feel left out! How on earth could I feel left out mom and ma are always there for me and I cannot wait to meet my brother and sister just 6 weeks to go now. I wish mom would stop working and I know ma feels the same, she did say something about she had to put in for leave next week. The scan appointment did not go too well. Something about if she did not slow down they could be very early. It has scared us all. Karen is worried as well but in saying, this mom seems like her old self. And that is music to my ears. I have not lost her for good. I knew ma could get through to her in time.

It is great to see the babies move and wow feel them kick. What I did find freaky is I could make out a foot the other day as though it was stretching inside her that just blew me away and Ma had to get a picture, I must admit though I thought it was slightly gross and freaky.

Oh, I just love my grumpy mother, Not! Ma has said to me this will be her last week in work she is filling the paper work because if it were left to mom she would work up until she dropped them and she would be giving birth in the bullpen. I could not help but laugh when she said that. As I said ages ago, my mom likes to be in the thick of it and not sitting at a desk.

I think that they all knew that and like ma, if it were left to mom she would be giving birth in the bullpen. God I could just see Reid's face now that would be a picture I think he might freak out. He already thinks it freaky mom having two babies inside her, she much so he will not even touch them.

Well it is just five weeks to go and after pleading with my parents they have finally agreed to allow me to change the babies' nurseries around. In addition, I am so pleased I won the agreement. You see they had put the cribs on the walls that run alongside Mom and Ma's bedroom. Now do not get me wrong the 10 thousand spent on soundproofing it does work to a degree but when mom gets ma too worked up no amount of soundproofing is going to save anyone ears. Hell even Karen has heard them!

Therefore, Karen and me have spent the morning sorting the bedrooms out and this afternoon we are going to go shopping, I want to get my mom and ma something nice because they have done so much for me. Karen says tomorrow we can go and look at some more schools. Since I told them all I wanted to go back, they have looked into private schools for me and I can go half days until I am settled in but we need to get the books and all that crap.

Why is it that when you step out the door the phone always rings! Now I have to wait for Karen to get off…. okay that does not normally happen Karen has tears rolling down her cheeks. I have never seen Karen shed a single tear! She is paling and the phone is dropping to the floor. Oh god what do I do?

Karen looked at me with worried eyes as soon as she spoke I collapsed in tears mom is on her way to hospital! Please do not take my mom!


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

We rushed to the hospital, all we was told is mom had been rushed in and we needed to get there and that ma was on her own. Moreover, that scared me more than anything did, we ran into the waiting room.

I have never seen ma like that she could not even talk she looked so sad and worried. I tried to get her to talk to me but it was as though she was not there she was just vacant as though her whole world had stopped. The only thing I could think of doing was wrapping my arms around her as my own tears fell. She pulled me onto her lap. She hung to me as though her life depended on it.

Karen seemed to get her attention as she buried her face in my neck I could feel the tears so was so scared and so was I. Karen finally got an answer but it was not much of one and Karen tried to reassure us both. Nevertheless, I could just tell ma would not believe it until she saw mom and if I am honest, I could not either.

I was curled in that close to ma and she was to me as she rocked me back and forth, as I was her baby, it was so comforting and I felt safe even though I was so scared. I just could not help thinking we had been through enough.

The door opened again pulling my attention ma stirred slightly but she only ended up pulling me closer. Karen stood as though she was on guard I knew the warning look she was giving Morgan it was one of them stay away from them looks. Ma just didn't seem to notice other than her trying to whisper comfort, I am still not sure if she was trying to make me believe everything would be okay or she was trying to convince herself.

The first time ma looked at anyone really was when the doctor came in asking to speak with her. She told me to stay with Karen but I could tell she really did not want to leave me and that broke my heart more as I then clung on to Karen. Ma had become so much like mom to me no matter what she could wrap her arms around me and I was safe but the second she left the room I could feel the panic building inside me as I whispered to Karen I wanted my mama. Karen knew why as she tried to hold me close but it did not help the feelings that were coursing through my body. I could only watch the door and wait for her to return.

The door opened and I broke away from Karen making my way I did not manage very far as ma collapsed straight into my arms. Moreover, right there in that moment my world stopped turning again. Ma said we needed to be prepared and I knew what she meant as ma pulled me back onto her lap. I wanted my mom I wanted my grandma and I also did not want to let go of mama. She was broken and so was I and all we could do was sit in that damn room and wait and pray and just hope mom was going to be okay.

I could hear mama whispering, I don't even think she knew she was doing it the words 'save her please' she chanted over and over again, I felt as though my heart was being ripped out but right now I knew my mama needed me to be strong and just hold on. However, our world had stopped turning again in my life and I know it is not the first time that mama's has stopped turning. We gave each other some comfort but neither of us would settle fully until we knew mom was okay.

We clung to each other even when my grandma came in I could not even speak to her and neither could ma without tears falling. I knew ma's arms were not going to let me go and if I was honest, I did not want to let her go either. I knew Karen would look after grandma because right now me and ma needed each other, we were holding each other up stopping ourselves from falling any more than we had. It was as if we were stood on a cliff and we were waiting for someone to push us over to our death. Is that what happens when you love someone so much that you can feel yourself slipping away with them as though someone is holding your heart in a vice just waiting to crush it.

Ma loves mom in a different way than me and I know and I understand it and I also knew that if mom were not here I would also lose my mama as well and that was so unsettling.

Ma was strong and loving, kind and gentle. She protected our family with more fierceness than I have ever seen, she kept moms demons at bay and she took mine away. It is though being with ma makes our world complete as though she was and is the missing piece that we were always looking for. Maybe that is why I always settled around her, but when she holds me I can't even say or even try to explain but it is though no matter how scared I am she brings me comfort and my heart will beat a little less fast. Much like when mom calls me Era.

A nurse came in pulling mine and ma's attention, ma just looked broken and I have have never seen her so sad. She asked if mom was okay as she gripped my hand so tight in hers, I am sure she does not know her own strength. She only seemed more interested in getting ma and me to see the babies and I asked her this time if my mom was okay. In addition, all we got was she is still in surgery. That was not a goddamn answer!

They looked so small, but my heart grew and my stomach fluttered when I held them, they are part of me and I am part of them. Ma has the same look in her eye right now; it is a look she normally has for me that is full of love and compassion, though I can still see the worry hidden in there. They look like mom and that I am grateful of, I just hope ma knows they are part of her as I am now part of her.

I do not like that word complications, that is normally followed with more bad news than ever and I can now see the panic building in ma eyes. Her eyes really are the window to her soul and right now it was scared and in pain and I could see it and I wished I could heal it if only for a second.

Whenever ma asked if mom was okay she could not get a straight answer could no one understand they had her heart in their hands the vague answers we were getting was crushing it even more.

Again not a straight answer just a word in private and them leading her away. I wanted to stay with my mama why could not they see that. For the first time in my life when grandma wrapped her arms around me I felt no comfort just a blankness that did not seem to want to lift.

I was alone on the cliff with no one to hold me back and keep me safe; there was no one to protect me as I look down into the abyss and if mom and ma were not okay I would allow the abyss to take me away. Because without them I would be broken, more so than I am or ever have been in my life. Love can heal most wounds but right now, it does not help the stabbing pain in my chest the blank looks I can see on everyone's faces.

Hotch is looking everywhere and I did not think his face could look more vacant than is normally was. Rossi was pacing back and forth, he looked scared and worried but no one could comfort anyone no one could offer up that peaceful calm that everyone was going to be okay. Nevertheless, we could not even offer up that because we just did not know. Why couldn't they just tell us she was alive and settle us all somewhat could they not see that they had everyone's hearts in their hands they were playing with our lives and they did not seem to care!

Ma seemed to be gone for hours and I stayed close to my grandma though my chant was the same. I couldn't lose mom because I knew if I did I would lose them both, their souls are connected and I can see that but one soul can't live without the other, so ma would end up being a vacant shell, and I didn't want that I needed my mom and ma to be okay, ma had come to mean so much to me in so little time it is as though she was already there at the start when I was born.

I had not even noticed my Nan and granddad had arrived until their arms were around me tightly and granddad was now holding grandma while I now clung to my Nan, she gives me the same comfort as ma does. But I still want my ma she has been gone so long but nan says if it was bad news she would have been back already and that brought just a slight comfort to me, though not much.

The doctor came and got us all I was so worried when I knocked on the door until I heard the soft voice of my ma telling me to come in my words failed me at first and the only word I could say was 'mom' as my eyes fell on her, she looked so tired but she had also been through so much, my brother and sister was already in the room. Mom's eyes seemed to track my every move as I walked over to her. She asked me what I thought of them they were and are prefect, ma moved Andrew away so I could get fully to my mom. I told her I had been so worried and I knew she could tell I looked into my mom's eyes then at ma's and the life was back in them both. We were whole again.

I kept wrapped into my mother's arms hiding my face in her neck as ma rubbed my back, mom said ma will explain everything to me and I knew she would, but first they needed to reassure the rest of our now extended family that they were all alright.

I had never seen my grandma lost for words and never heard Garcia as quite as they looked at my siblings, they asked them to leave and come back in one at a time but ma and me did not leave her side. This was my family and I did not want to be anywhere else, we are complete again and our world was now turning. However, it had stopped for just a moment.

When ma asked me to be Jane's godmother, I was so proud and Karen was lost for words, we were a family a true family and for the first time I believe that god had forgiven my mom for everything because of the two little ones now held in our arms.

Mom always calls ma her sweet girl and I know why because ma is hers and she is mom's they fit together so perfectly. I curled onto the chair as ma wrapped a blanket around me before climbing on moms bed she wrapped her arms around my mom as we all drifted off into a peaceful sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

My ma has been missing mom so badly the past few weeks, I don't think she has slept at all, it is like she is unable to settle without her being here she is so tired and now they are stood in the room with mom worrying about coming home. Was she tis bad when I was born? Karen is waiting for me out side. Ma told me to go home, as she is not giving my mother a choice anymore, really makes you wonder who is the boss of our house and if I am honest, I think it is Ma.

Mom looked as though she was going to shout because the house was full of our family and her team, I must say I was glad when they came back I have missed my family being home, I curl up on the couch with my mom and we both watch ma. Who is watching our grandmother's as though she is about to pounce on them at any given second. I know she is protective but my god it is like watching a loin stalking its prey.

I do not think mom best move was to joke saying grandma had dropped me as a baby, because if I am honest I think she is scared. I mean she has never dealt or had a baby and I was old enough when she met mom, so I guess this is their family. Does that mean it is a new family and if so is there room for me?

I leave mom and ma as I go and watch over my siblings, though I do hear my mom say she is in pain so I move straight to the kitchen to get her some tablets. My mom has never been one to take painkillers but lately. I guess having babies and nearly dying will do that to you.

Ma and granddad help mom upstairs to bed while I ask my grandma and nan to take the twins up for them and explain that mom has gone for a lie down, I can hear ma talking to her dad and the dining room closed but I can tell by ma's body that she is not best pleased and that something is wrong. Therefore, I do something that I always get shouted at for.

I stand in the hallway as I hear Ma raise her voice, why would they think they failed her. And I think I was now right when I said I think her past was a bad one. However, I do not like hearing Ma like that and I know she is talking to her dad but I can hear the hurt in her voice and it hurts me, so I cannot help but walk in there. Once her dad had gone I wrapped my arms around her I knew she was upset and I also knew she needed my mom. She is so tired, so is mom, and having everyone here is doing them no good.

Well my point is proven again my mom sleeps in some strange positions I mean half-undressed half under the covers and also she looked so uncomfortable. Nevertheless, ma would not let me help and I know why because mom is still not comfortable with people seeing her body and I know ma does not like it either only when it is mom. I go back downstairs and ask Karen to get everyone to leave well aside from Nan and granddad that are staying here for a week or two.

Yep, mom is beyond pissed at me, nice way to start the morning a shouting match in the hallway. Why couldn't she just understand that I want to get to know him I mean for god's sake he is her dad! I have never seen her like this though she looks hurt and so angry with me, why the hell is she reacting so badly anyone who think I have committed murder!

She thinks I do not trust her! She is my mom of course, I trust her. Yes I guess I had been doing a lot better but I also know the past few months I have closed myself off from both my mom and ma, but I just don't know where I belong anymore can they not see that? And now mom is shouting because I have been seeing my granddad I do not get why she is so pissed I mean for god's sake I am not a kid!

Okay maybe what my uncle said was true about my mom and grandma not getting along. I knew she never had anyone when she gotten pregnant but Matthew and john was there for her through the abortion. However, she was 20 when she had me and she still did not have anyone other than Karen?

My mom thinks she has failed me! I have never seen mom like this only when I have over heard her talking with ma. I have never cared about my father she knew that or so I thought she did. Yep moms temper can switch so fast, she was being nice and calm and her loving self until I said I wanted to get to know him…

He told her to get rid of me! What the hell! I knew they did not get on but surely, no one would tell their child to get an abortion! I can understand now why she does not want anything to do with him. Why didn't she tell me? I can see the hurt in ma's eyes as well when she spoke. They miss me. Have I pulled away that much from them? I thought when the babies were born I would be cast aside I guess, I did not think that my actions could lead to them both being hurt and my mom being hurt more than anything.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Well two weeks ago, I gave mom a letter and since I gave her said letter, she has been so distant. I have never seen Mom and Ma argue before and right now, they have been doing. Mom is spending most nights locked in her office and I know this because I can hear her, I think she may have destroyed it though I heard a lot of banging the other day. Mom has not been this bad for years. In fact, last time she was this distant she tried to kill herself!

And in honesty, I think Ma is worried about her and that is why they are arguing so much. At first, I thought it was because Mom went back to work so soon but now I am not sure. Meals are ate in silence now and Mom is not really eating she is more like pushing the food around to make it look like she has eaten something.

Was this my fault? Was it something in that letter that has made Mom pull away from Ma and me? They had a massive argument last night before Mom went on this undercover thing. Ma has assured me if I need anything, I have to get hold of her or make my way to the BAU because Garcia is always there even if she is not and Garcia will be able to get hold of them better than I will if she is called out on a case.

Ma took me to a soccer game last week I have been spending a lot of time with Ma ever since I said about not being wanted and that they have this new family. I think my choice of words really hurt them both. Though I think, it was Ma that was hurt more than anything, I have asked her to teach me about soccer and she seems so happy about it so she is seeing if there are any teams around here that I can join at beginner's level. Ma says it will help with my confidence around people and I am hoping it will, I am so settled around the team now.

* * *

I have spent a lot of time with Reid talking about history, he is so much better than a book he is just a fountain of information for me and I love it, I know what Mom meant when she said he is harmless because he is sometimes it is so cute he blushes when he talks to me, I feel sorry for him though he has only got the team and his Mom, his dad abandon him when he was young.

Morgan is funny I still say he is a bear but he looks after Mom and Ma and I get the feeling he would give his life for them which is sad in a sense but I know it's his way of letting me know he will look after them both when they are at work. He bought me a bike! I mean her actually bought me a bike I was shocked he is like a big brother we went on a bike ride the other weekend we must have been gone all afternoon, we found this cool bike trail that leads around the lower end of a forest but the views are out of this world.

Garcia and me got in trouble with Ma; I do not think she approved of Garcia teaching me how to hack. My fault though I let it slip so now I am only allowed computer lessons when Ma or Mom are around so Garcia doesn't teach me anymore naughty thing. The only thing is I found it fun, but now she is just teaching me how to format and helping me build a laptop from scratch it is so much fun and I am learning so much. I still get panicky around them but they just leave me to settle down now on my own or get Mom or Ma.

I haven't really been spending much time with Karen she is so busy with the twins, or I am at school and doing a lot of homework, I do love the school though they have so much going on. They even have a science club after school, which I have joined. I am just so settled now since we moved house, Mom, and Ma got married I never thought I would ever feel safe but I do. I have gotten to know my brother and sister a little as well they are so cute but I refused to change their nappies they skint. I am sure they are eating more than just milk! Did I smell that bad when I was a baby?

* * *

Well Mom is on her way back home she has been gone for three days so has Ma, I got banned from going to see Garcia something about her being very busy and it is sensitive things so I can't go. I only found out when they were on their way back that Mom and Reid had been taken hostage because I heard Karen on the phone. I know they want to protect me and I understand that but for crying out loud that is my Mom! Ma asked us to stay with Karen so I did not see her when she got home. Ma said Mom needed to rest and they were going to head straight to bed. Mom's nightmares are back, but I also think they want to talk in private hopefully Ma can find the underlying cause of what is wrong with Mom. Here is to hoping.

Ma rung me and asked me to come back about 4 hours later telling me to stay here with Garcia. Yes seeing Garcia and Morgan here when I came in was a shock and Ma seemed pissed off and Morgan was taking her somewhere but we weren't allowed to tell Mom? That is just strange to say the least.

Damn Mom looks like a panda her eyes are black she has a split lip and a nearly black jaw, when they said she was saw and had been hurt they didn't say anything about her looking black and blue, I can't help but stare are her. She is questioning Garcia as to where Ma is and also what I am doing here. I wish Ma and Morgan would hurry up and get back I offer her some pain killers and when she nods I know how much pain she is really in because Mom doesn't take pain medication she is too stubborn or she will tell me she is fine and doesn't take them but now I know she isn't right. Saved by the door shutting, thank god they are back and now Mom is questioning her I think she was grateful when I gave Mom her pain killers cause Ma took her straight upstairs.

I wonder if I am the only person that worries when a parent says we need to talk I think I may have done something wrong, but I am not sure guess I will have to wait till Ma comes back downstairs she seems happier than when she went out I wonder what has happened?

Okay that wasn't something I saw coming how can anyone say that, just you don't tell you child to have an abortion let alone call her the names he called her and then to called my brother and sister and then to top it off he called Ma and they have never met I mean what person does that to their own flesh and blood? That has shaken me to the core I just cannot believe it. And then to top it off I promised I would not say anything to Mom, is it wrong to want answers is it wrong to feel sick inside. I should have listened to Mom and had nothing to do with him and I fully understand now why she hates him because in truth I think I do as well!

Whoa, I have never seen my Grandma so angry I mean yeah I've heard her shout at people before but damn it thought she was going to hit the roof and when Ma said it was sorted and she had dealt with it. I thought she might have killed him, she is so protective of us all and now I understand why she says I am her daughter even though she wasn't there when I was younger but she does treat me as though I am hers.

* * *

Well I got kicked out with Karen today she is taking me clothes shopping I can only guess what those two are doing back at home since last time we got kicked out we came back home way too early we were greeted with a lot of moaning and fuck and god yes. I guess a normal kid would be grossed out hearing them have sex but I am use to it ever since Mom had that operation they have been at it. I heard Karen say they have nearly christened every room the only place safe is the cellar and that is only because Mom still cannot go down there.

* * *

Mom and Ma are away on a case now and I really need to talk to Mom but her cell is off, how does anyone keep in touch with her, her phone just going straight to voicemail. It is now 6.30am and I am sat at Mom's desk hoping Garcia comes in soon because I know she will be able to get hold of Mom.

The reason I am here and not going to school is they asked us yesterday to write a story about our childhood, I cannot do that they want us to write from when we were six until now. How can I write about that I could lie I could leave out parts but the teacher says it goes towards our grades and I do not want to let Mom and Ma down. However, how can I write about that? I am hoping Mom can sort something I feel sick just thinking about it and I have not felt like this in over 10 months. Mom has told me to stay here with Garcia I am so glad I brought my laptop so I am now sat in the corner playing games though I am not allowed to go on the internet which is fine I have enough games loaded on here to keep me entertained though I am not allowed to look at the screen that Garcia has open which is fine I don't fancy looking at dead bodies.

Mom just asked Garcia to hack Ma's phone I can tell that voice Mom is worried and if Mom is worried about Ma that means something may have happened. Garcia is trying to calm me down and I want to know where they are and all I can get out of her is they are near Ma's home town. Does no one understand she does not even go there she will not even talk about where she grew up, do they not know that, that place brings up painful memories for her or do they just not know?


	19. Chapter 18 Part 2

**Chapter 19**

**A/N I forgot I had not uploaded this…Oops!**

'**The world you know can change in a heartbeat, everything you have come to love the safety and happiness can be ripped away at any given moment in one second. **

**Everything can seem perfect and in the next moment you are falling into the internal abyss that life has thrown your way.'**

Garcia took me with her I wasn't giving her a chance to leave me in all honesty I wanted my Ma I needed my Ma, I needed to be near my Mom. I knew she would be going through hell, they both kept everything together; they kept each other's demons at bay.

They had even settled mine, over the past few weeks my fears seemed to have settled my past was becoming like a nightmare that only came every so often, I still don't like to be touched though the team are like family now I have got to know them all, I sometimes flinch when they touch me but other than that Ma told me she was proud of me and how well I was doing now.

I had gone back to school and started to make some friends Adam is the closest friend I have, he is sweet he comes to our house for dinner and Mom and Ma allow him to sleep over, I am glad that we have a big house because when he sleeps over he has his own room so I don't need to stay with Karen.

I am going to start boarding again or I was going to but right now, my concern is with my Ma and Mother, why do bad things always happen to good people?

Nana met us at the airport I will be staying with them until Ma has been found I will be staying in Ma's old bedroom it smells like Ma, which brings me so much comfort right now.

I now know all about Ma's past maybe looking at the computer when Garcia was not looking, that was not the best idea I have ever had, but deep down I already knew I guess. How else could someone have been so understanding and loving, none judgemental to Mom after everything that had happened.

When I was taken and found Lisa made it so clear I was dirty and scum and she could not be around me, I not sure who it hurt more my mother or me. That was also the fear when I told Ma, but the look of love in her eyes told me she loved me and wasn't affected by what had happened to me, made my heart sore, she truly loved us all of us, it wasn't an act it wasn't some farce of pretending she cared about me just so she could be with my Mom, she is my Ma and maybe when this is all over I can ask her if she would adopt me to make her my real Ma not just a name.

We rushed to the hospital, I held on for dear life, I do not like cars at the best of times but speeding through streets well, we were worried about Ma but if we had an accident on the way Mom would kill us that is for sure.

I did not know what to say other than wrap my arms around her, when Mom sat down I stayed in her lap hiding my face in her neck as she spoke, I could not help the tears and the sobs that came out. This was my Ma this was my mamma these were my parents and the only parents I have ever had, no one has every treated me the way Ma has, to Lisa I was just part of the package my to JJ I am her daughter and she makes me know that every day.

I was glad Mom took me with her instead of going on her own, I think she knew how much I needed to see her maybe as much as Mom did in truth, I climbed onto the bed curling myself into my Ma like I had done so many times in the past few months, I could feel Mom running her fingers down my back as I finally fell asleep with my arms wrapped around my Ma's stomach, no one was making me leave until Ma was well enough to go home.

Ma was having bad nightmares each time she would wake up screaming, every time she woke she just wanted to go home and we all agreed but we also knew she was in no fit state to travel it broke Mom's heart and it was killing me. Mom went for some fresh air while Ma was asleep and I yet again took up my normal spot curling into the side of her just holding on. I do not know what I would do if I lost my Ma.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

'**Fear can be crippling, fear can rip you from those who love you and those you love. **

**Anger can come in waves, you can be drowning and not even know it. Not until someone points it out, everything you have been pushing and running away from. They are still there with opens arms waiting for you to come home. .**

**In addition, it can just take one person to help you see that you are slowly drowning and you are nearly losing everything that you holds dear. **

**In addition, this can come for the most unlikely of people.**

** A child…'**

Ma is having really bad nightmares, I wish I could help her but I cannot, all I can do is stay close and curl up with her on the couch. She holds me and I hold her, I know there is something missing. If I am honest, she is remaining me of Mom when she found me and it breaks my heart. She will flinch sometimes and I can see the hurt across my mother's eyes. Though she was like this nearly twelve months ago but it does not make it hurt any less for any of us.

I hear them arguing though it doesn't seem to last very long before I can hear my Ma's heart breaking I have often seen her curled up in Mom's arms crying, she won't talk to anyone she has closed down, Rossi calls most nights with food but I think it is only because he wants to see Karen which Mom seems slightly worried about but right now she has Ma to worry about and I am worried to.

Adam helps me keep my mind off everything. So not ready to drop the bombshell on them that we are dating they do not need any stress and Adam has already seen Ma's temper. It broke my heart again, when we saw it happen. Though this time he wrapped my arms around me dragging my out the house. My Ma had hit my mother! She hit her she is so angry and I can understand that but I never thought she was violent. Every time she comes home from the doctors, she seems worse not better, that doctor is destroying my Mamma and no one can see it!

She was shouting at me now, I could not get near her and it hurts so badly, I have lost her. They took my Ma away from me and I do not know if she will come back. I think it is worse for Ma if I am honest and I can say that because I know myself you can deal and cope with it once but if you are made to repeat it, to say it kills you inside is an understatement. In addition, sometimes it is not the fact that it has happened again it is the fact that your past has been revealed to the people you love.

If they knew what happened to me I do not know how I would cope or deal, would they be like they are with me or would they treat me differently. Mom never had to worry it would come out or be found out because they knew they saw it, they saw what happened to her and they never spoke of it they were just there.

But Ma, is was an old wound which had been ripped apart in the worst way possible I guess it would be like her telling them what happened to me, it wasn't her choice to allow them to know it was taken from her. It was out of her control and in Mom's control but it was not really her hand had been twisted and she did not have a choice, she could not protect Ma from them knowing them finding out, and she could not stop me from finding out either.

I hate that she is so angry but I have been there, lashing out at everyone who tries to help wanting nothing more than to be alone but at the same time not wanting to be alone. It can leave people confused and wary of the other but now every time Mom tries Ma lashes out at her and Mom just takes it! I know Mom cannot take much more, if this does not rip them apart now it might if Ma carries on with this path.

Thank god for Morgan! I guess they know what is going on or Morgan does because right now Ma is not at home she is at the FBI gym with Mom and Morgan and it is only because Mom wants to save their relationship that Ma seems hell bent on destroying.

When we get hurt we push the people we need most away, it is natural, and I have done it so has Mom. However, seeing Ma do it is heart breaking because she always has seemed so strong I love her so much but how can I love someone who is hurting my mother!

I can't stop loving her though, she has done so much for this family and so much for me and I don't even think she sees it, but I can see the signs I can tell what is happening even if no one else can because they are too busy dealing with her to see how close they are and we are in fact to losing her for good.

I came downstairs to find Mom staring out the window she would not turn around or look at me. Mom was giving up she was going to allow her to walk away, not that mom didn't love her it was because she loved her she would allow her to go without fighting and that was if Ma asked her too. Which right now I am not sure if Ma wants part of our family any more. We are worried we are scared the twins even know something is wrong, maybe that is because Ma will not go near them or they have heard her shout and seen the blank vacant expression in her eyes.

**THIS ENDS TODAY I CANNOT LOSE MY FAMILY I REFUSE TO LOSE MY FAMILY!**

I had already asked someone to collect me I didn't know but I had a strong feeling where she was and I was determine to bring her home or at least make her see what she was doing to us all. Not just her but to her family as well. Which is worse to lose one parent or lose them both at the same time because I know what would happen if Ma did leave I would lose Mom and that just is not an option.

I know or I prayed I was right when I told the driver where to take me I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her car but then worry set in what the hell was I going to say to her to get her to come home. Would I have to walk all the way back home on my own? Had we lost her too much for her to even care about us?

I found her on the same bench we sat on when she brought me here, I did not want to get to close not because I was scared of her but because I did not know her anymore, she was angry, sad and so distant and that scared me more than anything did. I have seen the look a few times growing up. Back in 1997 and then when Mom found me, then when I tried to kill myself, when Mom got hurt and then again when she found out she was pregnant. It was the look of someone drowning in their own pain, a look that said save me before I fall any deeper but not really saying any words at all. I prayed I knew what to say and prayed I could get through to her.

I cannot lose her I will not lose her. If I did their would no longer be a point to my life anymore, because I am only hanging on by a thread and I have been like that since I was a child. Nevertheless, Mom makes me want to keep hanging on because I believe it has to get better you have to be able to overcome things in time. I have to believe that time does heal you and it is not just a saying I need to believe it because she made me see that. Ma alone made me see it is okay to trust people it is okay to allow them close to you and not get hurt and it was her alone that made me feel like I truly meant something to someone other than my Mother.

Like most people there are things I keep hidden and things that I could never write down not here anyway my friend these things I have to keep locked, away deep inside, but right now I need something to ground me fully and I have not felt that in a while. Thank god, I made her see sense and made her see what it is she is doing! I got her to come home, not sure if I have gotten my Ma back but it is a start maybe she will allow Mom to help her heal now and not run from her instead.

I will admit my friend I cannot wait for this year to be over, next year I will ask Mom and Ma about adoption so if anything ever happens I will be able to stay with Ma and maybe it would be worth looking into something for the twins. She is our Ma and our Ma has a right to help us live our lives and should have the same rights as our Mom has over us. Just one more month to get through and please let next year be better.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

**Sorry for the delay trying to work things out with this story as well as working on the others that tie into this…**

It is so good to have Ma back, she is doing so much better, and they are finally talking instead of yelling and pushing each other away. I get the impression they are both weary of the relationship between Karen and Rossi though I think it is rather cute. Everyone deserves to be happy we have had so much crap I think enough to last a lifetime but Mom is worried about my baby brother; he has to have heart surgery, which scares me slightly. He is so small and he is a proper Mommies boy, which I find cute whereas Jane is all for Ma and me well I love them both the same, though Ma can be easier to approach than Mom can.

Its nearly Christmas and I can't wait, everything is fitting in perfectly our family is happy even though we have the worry about things, the sound proof walls never worked I swear they do it on purpose, and I am not sure whether I should laugh or go and bang on their door and ask them to keep it down, either that or ask if my walls can be sound proofed. Yeah that so will not happen!

Well it was time to tell them about Adam he was so scared and I must admit I was as well, you see even though I have been doing so well they both still worry about me so much, Mom because she knows the full extent of what I was put through and Ma because she knows I was hurt badly, sometimes I wonder if she does know what happened every details of what those men did to me and to be truthful it doesn't bother me anymore. I guess I have finally settled and that if I am honest is something I never thought I would be, I never thought that would happen.

Well that went better than I thought it would, Mom and Ma seem to like Adam, and for that I am truly grateful, they know I am growing up though sometimes I feel like a child but Adam understands he holds me and makes me feel safe is that what Mom feels when Ma holds her? I know my Mom is stubborn and strong, but I also know how soft and fragile she can be.

You see she has been broken a few times and Mom has never been one to really cry, she cried the day I was found, she cried when I tried to kill myself, she cried for a long time when she came back from assignment, which I am sure she hasn't even told anyone about which sort of worries me. Mom was broken, but their again she was not as broken as she was some 12 months ago which I am guessing is a good sign.

I felt strange being invited to the Christmas meal they were having but I shouldn't have been they have become like family to me over the past year, I don't shy away too much though sometimes I do, but I have grown to know and like Rossi, I him and Karen suit each other much like Mom and Ma do.

Ma worries too much it is so cute, but in honesty, I know where my Mother is, well I think I do. I am so glad Mom let us go to the small village this year, last year well I called in on my way through but I missed it greatly and I knew Ma would love it, who wouldn't. Everyone knew us and it was peaceful no one hassled us and the kids loved Mom, though she got herself in trouble one year which everyone forgave her for on the condition she didn't try and teach the boys to shoot again. Me and Adam spent most the time in the school house with the twins, it was too cold really for them to be outside and the school house was mainly were all the children gathered it was such a great night and it is something we always do and we always did it as a family.

Okay so maybe waking Mom and Ma up before 6am was a bad idea it is just I love Christmas and well I guess I am like a child, but this year all the fears all the pain of what happened have nearly gone me and Mom spoke about it and we now had a new family and it was a new beginning for us both. Therefore, for the first time in years our Christmas was in Christmas day not a few months later like it had been in the past, it was as though everything was falling into place, everything had begun to heal fully.

Adam still does not know about my past and I may tell him but it is too soon to drop it on him but he knows I keep something back and he knows that sometimes I panic, but when he wraps his arms around me, my fear disappears. I have not worked out what it is yet and maybe I will speak to Ma about it, I have such a good and close bond with Ma and I know she will protect me if I need her too. Some days I wonder if Mom and Ma had gotten together sooner would things happened as they had or was it written out long before we knew. I mean is everyone's path set out before them, and then after time it happens and you could not have done anything to stop it in the first place. But also if that is the case I hate fate I hate god because who is he to write a path or the hell we should go through? I mean I thought god was meant to love us and protect us but he allows bad things to happen to us. Okay I so should not think of things like that it never does any good.

Adam is so good with the twins and they both seem to like him as well, I find it slightly funny that Jane favours our Ma but maybe it shouldn't really I mean I can see the love in her eyes as she looks at them both and even when she looks at me, it amazes me that she can have such a soft look about her but also there is a fierceness about her a protection for us all. Though it is normally Mom whom is like that and I miss that but I can see she is slowly becoming the mother I knew and not someone drowning inside anymore, though her eyes are bear for once and there are no walls. Strange thing is though she is still guarded around her friends and I do not think they have noticed. On the other hand, maybe they have and just chose not to say anything.

It was really the best Christmas ever, I know that may sound sad but to me it was perfect my Ma will truly become my Ma and not a name, I can't believe I made her cry but they were tears of happiness I could see the pride swirl in Mom's eyes as she read what I had asked as I curled into my Ma burying my face into her neck she was going to truly be my Ma.

Well I kick Ma and Mom out for New Year's Eve and they both looked stunning as ever Karen was out with Rossi and I had been told any problems to ring them straight away, but I was just looking forward to spending time with my siblings.

I had put them both down though I knew Andrew wouldn't fully settle until Mom came home to kiss him good night and give him a feed it was always the same with him Karen always had problems when Mom and Ma were away because he would fuss so much it was so sweet though.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

Andrew was too quiet, that might sound strange but he would normally fuss for a few hours when Mom wasn't here, he had only been down for half an hour and there was no noise coming through the monitor's, I waited for a few more moments just listening but still nothing, I went to check on him.

I started to panic when I saw him he little face was grey and his little lips were blue I hit my phone ringing Karen knowing she would come when she got no response from me, I prayed I knew what I was doing Mom had taught me years ago but on a baby? On my baby brother what if I screwed up, I could not help the tears or the fear that built up inside me praying for someone to come in the front door anyone to save my baby brother.

I must have done something wrong. It is my fault. Ma and Mom are going to hate me if anything happens to him.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard the front door close and the sound of footsteps running up the stairs, I heard Karen gasp as she opened the door to his room as Rossi walked into the back of her. It must have looked so scary for them but nothing to what I was feeling inside. My heart was racing this is my baby brother I wanted to scream but that would take my efforts away from Andrew.

Rossi pulled Karen out of her own mist of fear and panic telling her to ring for the medics. I was grateful when he stood in front of me giving me the strength to carry on and help him. Glad he did not stand behind me though, it was an irrational thought but it was there as I carried on.

We finally arrived at the hospital, I had dialled Mom's number hoping that she would answer since the bell was about to be rung in, I had ruined their night, and they more than likely would never forgive me for him ending up in hospital. I could not even get the words out as Mom answered the phone.

I kept Jane close to me as I paced partly to settle Jane but partly because I was crumbling inside fear was erupting through my body at what my Mom was going to say or do. Would they both blame me for this, even though we did not know what this was or is?

I was so lost in my mind that I looked in shock as Rossi tried to take Jane out of my arms, but as soon as my eyes landed on Mom, I let him as she wrapped her arms around me as words stumbled out of my mouth.

I watch numbly as my Ma and Mom left the room Garcia wrapped her arm around me as I easily curled into her, I felt as though I couldn't breathe as though my world was crashing down around me again, I wanted to be in my Moms arms but instead I was wrapped into Garcia as I watched Mom holding Ma.

I always hated how Mom was able to do that, the ability to shut her emotions down and be the strong one as though nothing affected her, and right now I hate it even more, her baby is having surgery and all she is doing is holding Ma as though she cannot feel anything!

I wanted to cry and scream when they both left me alone after the doctor came and told us he was out of surgery, instead I was still wrapped in Garcia's arms, I wanted to see him I need to see him, please someone tell me I did nothing wrong that I haven't hurt my baby brother. Right now, I wish Adam was here, I need someone to make me feel safe and being in a room full of FBI agents is not making me feel safe!

I don't remember falling asleep I just remember hearing my sisters distinct cries as she became hungry, a slight relief followed when Morgan said he would sort it out, at the same time Mom walked back into the room, I could tell in her eyes she was worried but I also knew her mask better than most, she was building walls again to shut everyone out even me and more than likely Ma as well. That is how my Mom deals shut it out and deal with it later or not deal with it at all.

I don't know what shocked me more when I walked into the room, the amount of wires that were attached to his small frame or my Ma looking more broken than ever, a blank expression and blood shocked eyes, it was though her eyes were begging me pleading with me to do something make this not happen but all I could do was curl into the side of her and watch Andrew.

He seemed to be doing so well, Ma never left his side and Mom only left to get coffee and some food which Ma wouldn't eat, I stayed next to Ma her arm wrapped around me as though she was holding on to me scared I was going to disappear from her as well. Though people saw Ma strong after everything that had happened to Mom, there has been one thing I have learnt if her children or my Mom gets hurt it is as though her whole world starts to fall. We may not be her blood but she is our Ma and she cares and loves us as though we are her own.

We all kissed his sweet little head as they took him back to surgery, Mom had Ma wrapped in her arms and Garcia had hers wrapped around me, I always thought it would be Karen to offer me comfort when bad things happen like this, not someone whom I had been so scared of for such a long time, but there I was wrapped in the normally hyperactive arms of Garcia. And to be honest I had never seen or known her to be so quiet so still, as though she had lost all words that could come to mind.

The doctor came back a few hours later the look on his face said everything his eyes told us before he opened his mouth, I am still unsure how Garcia managed to keep me standing as my body went numb against hers, I watched as Ma's heart broke and Mom held onto her keeping her wrapped tightly in her arms, I couldn't move I was rooted to the spot I could feel Garcia tremble against me I knew she was crying.

Mom once said Garcia wears her heart on her sleeve and she cannot hide her emotions in and right now I couldn't show mine if Garcia hadn't got me in her arms I think I would have been on the floor or out the door, I felt sick.

My baby brother, our sweet little boy, Mom's little champ never came out of the operating room.

The days seemed to blur into one I spent most of my time hiding in bed with Ma, I did not know what to do or how I was meant to cope, the only people I had ever lost was when I was younger but she was a friend. This was my brother.

Adam came back as soon as he could but he did not make the funeral he was waiting for me once I had gotten home. I do not know what was worse watching Ma break or watching my Mom show no emotion at all. None of us spoke, what could we say?

No words can be said to comfort there is no reason why anyone would take a child away from their parent. I watch my Mom and I cannot help think back to the time, I wished I was dead and that it would have been easier on her. However, watching her now, seeing that a part of her has died, I think I would rather be here than cause that blankness.

I wait for her to blame me for either of them to tell me this is my fault but it does not come. Mom is vacant and Ma is just broken. The problem with Mom is you never know how she really is and when she places them god damn fucking walls up. It is as if she has just vacated the whole of herself and you there is nothing there, not even a light in her eyes as though she is dead!

I knew though deep down I knew Ma would get through to her as I became the invisible child, strange a room full of people and I feel as though I am not among them! Adam holds me together he tries to laugh and joke but I cannot find anything to be happy about.

I locked myself away, I pulled away from everyone he has been gone a month and still it feels like only yesterday I had hold of him in my arms.

I have no parents right now, Ma tries her best with me but I just do not know how I am meant to deal with all this pain. I thought I knew pain I thought I understood what pain was like but this, this was as though someone had just come along and ripped my heart out, ripped the light out of my world. Nothing that I had been through could have ever prepared me for this feeling it was a total darkness. Part of me wanted to be alone the other part of me wanted to curl into my Moms arms as though I was a baby. But Mom wasn't really there she went through the motions so instead I curled up into Ma or in Adam's arms as my heart still ripped apart inside me.

I miss my little brother


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

It has been six months since we laid my baby brother to rest, Ma finally got through to Mom, though I can see part of her is still missing. None of us knows how to heal or what we are meant to do.

Ma has thrown herself into the abyss of paperwork bringing the files home, she is broken she is not the Ma I know and love, she holds me still as I will curl up with her on the sofa, or she will watch me play with Jane. Our birthdays came and went but nothing was celebrated not because Ma and Mom did not want to. It was because I did not know how to be happy, I could not enjoy things right now we were still healing still learning how to cope.

Strange how a child whom had only been in your life for a short time could leave such a gaping hole, Jane fussed more and found it hard to settle, she missed him as well and though she didn't understand where Andrew had gone I knew it still hurt her.

I threw myself into my studies, which really began to pay off, I guess. I was moved up a year, I spent a lot of time with Reid as he would help me studied and I could ask him to explain things that I did not fully understand. Though when you ask Reid to explain something you have to prepare yourself to listen to him for at least half hour and then you only try and pull the parts out that you need because he confuses you more.

Morgan is around a lot more as well, he spends a lot of time with Mom, or I should say they spend a lot of time at the gym working out. I wonder when she and Ma will fully come back to me and I can stop being the invisible child and become their daughter again. Maybe they do hold his death against me.

Karen spends more time with Rossi than she does with me now; I am glad she has found someone and that I am no longer her responsibility though she still takes care of Jane. With Rossi being extremely over protective of her, this is funny and sweet at the same time. Still even to them I feel I do not exist. Do they all blame me?

I began to shy away from them all again, it has now been a full year to the day since we lost Andrew. Moreover, I am only just starting to be noticed by my parents again. Adam was around more when I was not in school he understood more than anyone that I had lost my parents for nearly a full year, Mom and me had drifted apart which I never thought would happen.

I am sixteen and already I am looking at colleges I want to attend but it is not my parents who I am going to advice for it is Reid, he has become the big brother to me between him and Adam I have a sort of family, they had no clue what was going on in my life anymore.

I began to miss the closeness that I had with my Mom and the closeness I had built with my Ma, they both still cared I guess but I had Adam at my side thankfully, without him and without Reid I doubt I would have dealt with the grief of losing Andrew, I thought I had lost them for good.

The anniversary of his death I went alone to his resting place sitting on the ground next to his headstone just talking to him as though he was still with us, a soft hand rested on my shoulder causing me to jump slightly as I looked up to see my Mom and Ma standing behind me. It was in that moment they came back to me they saw me instead of seeing through me.

My Mom threw her arms around me as I buried my face into the crevice of her neck allowing all the tears I had built up inside me out, she whispered softly in my ear as I felt Ma wrap her arms around me both of them telling me how sorry they were.

I told them I understood but Mom wouldn't have it and it was that day we started to move forwards as a family Mom and Ma had missed so much, I was graduating this year and if I was honest I didn't know if they noticed that I was in my final year of high school. Alternatively, if they had noticed I had been moved up in grades.

Adam was going to attend the local college and I had chosen that one as well, it was not because Adam was going there, though I do think his choice was because of me. It was because I could not be away from my parents even when they had not noticed that I was around.

I graduated on my seventeenth birthday, I looked across as I took my certificates only to see my Mom and Ma crying, Adam stood with a proud smile written across his face and a bunch of white roses. I guess what shocked me more was the fact that the whole BAU was there and they all had tears in their eyes. Even the stoic Hotch had tears, which took me by surprise.

I had chosen my courses and new what I wanted to aim towards though my Mom and Grandmother was not best happy, only because fear over took them, yes they were proud of me, I had overcome my past to some extent. Though Adam knew that sometimes, I would freak for no reason but he loves me and understood that even now things would become too much for me.

He has learnt how to deal with my panic attacks but he has also built my confidents so much, I still fear crowds and I dislike it greatly if someone touches me but as long as he is by my side and my family are with me I know no matter what happens while I am away at college I will cope.

Adam says I will cope because I am a Prentiss but I know I cope because he gives me the strength to overcome and deal with the things I cannot control and a peace inside me that remains me that it is okay to fear and it is okay to be scared. Nevertheless, more importantly it is okay to trust another person to help you overcome that fear. He is to me what Ma is to Mom. He is my missing part and with him, I am whole.

Mom is now her old self and I mean the old self that I grew up with before her attack, she is strong and guarded but is open with me and Ma and to my shock even Adam, she told us both the other week that he is part of the family and this is his home as we came back due to the end of term.

It is the week of my eighteenth birthday and the house if fully of friends that are now family my Man whom I love deeply, I watch as they talk between themselves and I know him and my mother are planning something they have become thick as thieves part of me now thinks he has replaced or healed Mom and she treats him as though he is her son. I am not sure if I make sense with that statement. Nevertheless, you are my diary and my voice. However, I now find the need to write less and less, we are happy, we still hurt and we miss Andrew everyday but time heals and the whole that he has left in our hearts has healed slightly and left us with peaceful memories.

Jane has been diagnosed with Autism, though we all knew anyway and that does not change who she is it just makes her that more special she is kind and loving, and very attached to Adam she will follow him around some days and we will often find them both playing in the den.

Adam has asked me to marry him and all I could do was stand their open mouthed and in complete shock well that was until Ma nudged me, I couldn't speak all I could do was nod as tears streamed down my face as I looked at the small silver ring he had in his hand, my Mom's face was one of sheer pride and happiness as he placed the ring on my shaking form before wrapping his arms around me as he whispered happy birthday into my ear.

This is where I feel I must end my friend, my life has turned around and I do not fully feel the need to express myself to you, I have found my voice, I think I found it the day I met Adam and the second he placed that ring on my finger I felt complete so for now I will leave you and lock you up safe. However, I may come back and write more for now you are just a diary with bad memories and fears. But with our family as you know nothing always goes to plan so I will keep you close just in case.

You are a reminder of people I have lost, and people I have found, you will always be my friend and my voice when I am unable to express myself.

Yours forever

Sarah Jane Prentiss.


End file.
